honestly,

i just want someone to hug my guts out.

i feel disconnected from everyone and everything.

shock.

it made my stomach drop out. and i just sat there in the icy chill of realization, suddenly still and calm. you say you betrayed me, you failed me. i start to feel sick. your words don't distort like they do in all the stories i've written. they aren't blurred out or hazy, they're vividly clear. i want to throw up. i want to cry but i don't. i say it's okay, because it is. clear and calm. i don't start crying until you do.

heavy.

that's the only thing that i can think of to label how i feel. i feel heavy. i feel like i have weights in my insides dragging me downward. the gravity of it is astounding. i feel heavy. i feel sick and i feel heavy. i feel at odds with everyone and everything. nothing feels certain except this constant, constant lethargy. i'm tired. i can't even think straight. i feel tired, i feel sick, and i feel heavy. what do i do with this? where do i go? i am just a broken-record girl. spitting out the same things over and over and who wants to listen to that, honestly, who will care? i am redundant. over and over and over i repeat myself. i feel redundant, i feel tired, i feel sick, and i feel heavy. an endless process, cyclical thoughts.

misery loves company.

i've never quite understood that phrase. or maybe i have understood it before but my sleep-deprived brain can't quite wrap my head around it right now. but for some reason, that's all that's running through my head. burning eyes, blurred vision, a thousand tendons in my fingers screaming, straining as i type. misery loves company. what does that even mean. why do i have to feel all these things? irrational, dysfunctional things like "i want to be beautiful too, i will never be beautiful like her." violent, stomach-turning emotions. the feel of constant inadequacy, never ever quite measuring up. the standard has been set and i can't live up to it.

unity.

this is a blog about unity. and how i wish i knew what it looked like anymore. i used to think i knew what it was, to be a part of a community. to be a small functioning member of something bigger than myself. now i don't even know where i fit in. i feel like an outsider looking in on something that i used to have. like that scene in catch me if you can when leo's character goes to the window of his mom's house and sees this life that used to be his...but it's gone now. a remnant of a time gone by, and god, i just feel so lonely.

brain exhaustion.

i'm tired of never being quite good enough. i'm tired of wanting what i can't ever have. i'm tired of numbness and i'm tired of feeling and i'm tired of tiredness.

more things.

i am spectacular at titles, as you can tell.

anyway, i just realized i hardly ever post on here unless i'm in a violent mood swing or sobbing my eyes out. so i'm going to try and write a post while i'm happy. it's a novel idea, right? so, here's me right now. no writing project besides fan fiction is even on my radar. i had been writing a story but my inspiration has vanished with the person it was inspired by. sorry, that wasn't very cheerful (and it was also very cryptic, unless you know me intimately, then it wasn't very cryptic at all). i'm seriously doubting my skills as a fiction writer. i've come to terms with the fact that i am incapable of writing a full-length novel. that's just...too much. i'd resigned myself to short stories, which i adore, but stuck in this rut of project-less misery, i'm reconsidering my capability of that either. basically, what i'm saying is that i cannot sustain a career as a professional writer. most novel-writers can't even do that. so, where do we go from here?

the answer is: i'm not quite sure. i'm still continuing as an english major, but i've been seriously considering media journalism. i want to do something involved with film as that has slowly become my passion in life. i don't care if i act or PA or interview actors i just want to be around film-related things. that's all. i don't know where my life is going and i'm scared i'm running out of time to make all of this work out. this has been an update.