brain exhaustion.

i'm tired of never being quite good enough. i'm tired of wanting what i can't ever have. i'm tired of numbness and i'm tired of feeling and i'm tired of tiredness.

more things.

i am spectacular at titles, as you can tell.

anyway, i just realized i hardly ever post on here unless i'm in a violent mood swing or sobbing my eyes out. so i'm going to try and write a post while i'm happy. it's a novel idea, right? so, here's me right now. no writing project besides fan fiction is even on my radar. i had been writing a story but my inspiration has vanished with the person it was inspired by. sorry, that wasn't very cheerful (and it was also very cryptic, unless you know me intimately, then it wasn't very cryptic at all). i'm seriously doubting my skills as a fiction writer. i've come to terms with the fact that i am incapable of writing a full-length novel. that's just...too much. i'd resigned myself to short stories, which i adore, but stuck in this rut of project-less misery, i'm reconsidering my capability of that either. basically, what i'm saying is that i cannot sustain a career as a professional writer. most novel-writers can't even do that. so, where do we go from here?

the answer is: i'm not quite sure. i'm still continuing as an english major, but i've been seriously considering media journalism. i want to do something involved with film as that has slowly become my passion in life. i don't care if i act or PA or interview actors i just want to be around film-related things. that's all. i don't know where my life is going and i'm scared i'm running out of time to make all of this work out. this has been an update.

some things.

i am a ink-and-paper friend.

i am a cardboard cut-out friend.

i am a paper-doll friend.

you don't actually want to see me or my stupid face or deal with my stupid, inconsistent, unintelligent words. so instead i hide behind the internet and text and things that make me eloquent and you go and see and talk to people who are pretty and laugh a lot and are shiny and magnetic and i'm just tired of feeling okay?

texting ridiculousness.

things i say when i talk to elly ives on a coffee/sugar high:

"so, fun fact, i did one of those things on facebook where the people on your sidebar are different things. it was harry potter themed. you were the dark lord. SORRY ELLY BUT I THINK OUR RELATIONSHIP IS MUTUALLY DESTRUCTIVE AND I MIGHT HAVE TO KILL YOU."

"i am an enigma. a body loosely wrapped around a never-ending nervous system of feelings. a figment of the world's imagination."

feeling blue.

this is a recent development. i think it's due to boredom for the most part. and the fact that things have been changing a lot recently. something i finally thought i could trust to be concrete has crumbled. and you know, i should've seen it coming. i did see it coming, actually. i was just too young and too stupid to stop myself from getting attached. attachment is the worst. attachment breeds affection and affection disillusioned me. i thought that maybe i could mean the same to someone that they meant to me. i was very, very wrong. the thing about attachment is that there is always an inevitable detachment. and now i just feel detached from everything. attached, everything felt raw, charged, alive. detached, everything becomes just ever so slightly muted. and i feel blue. because i have nothing to do and i miss attachment and i miss feeling alive and i miss all the people i've had to lose in my life, even if they're close enough to touch. i'm mad at myself for moping and desperate to move on, but tonight i'm feeling blue.

creating.

it's almost sad that i'm researching right now for a writing project more than i ever have. guess what that writing project is? fan fiction. i am pathetic.

image.

i have a very serious problem with self-image. it's getting worse.