heavy.

that's the only thing that i can think of to label how i feel. i feel heavy. i feel like i have weights in my insides dragging me downward. the gravity of it is astounding. i feel heavy. i feel sick and i feel heavy. i feel at odds with everyone and everything. nothing feels certain except this constant, constant lethargy. i'm tired. i can't even think straight. i feel tired, i feel sick, and i feel heavy. what do i do with this? where do i go? i am just a broken-record girl. spitting out the same things over and over and who wants to listen to that, honestly, who will care? i am redundant. over and over and over i repeat myself. i feel redundant, i feel tired, i feel sick, and i feel heavy. an endless process, cyclical thoughts.

misery loves company.

i've never quite understood that phrase. or maybe i have understood it before but my sleep-deprived brain can't quite wrap my head around it right now. but for some reason, that's all that's running through my head. burning eyes, blurred vision, a thousand tendons in my fingers screaming, straining as i type. misery loves company. what does that even mean. why do i have to feel all these things? irrational, dysfunctional things like "i want to be beautiful too, i will never be beautiful like her." violent, stomach-turning emotions. the feel of constant inadequacy, never ever quite measuring up. the standard has been set and i can't live up to it.

unity.

this is a blog about unity. and how i wish i knew what it looked like anymore. i used to think i knew what it was, to be a part of a community. to be a small functioning member of something bigger than myself. now i don't even know where i fit in. i feel like an outsider looking in on something that i used to have. like that scene in catch me if you can when leo's character goes to the window of his mom's house and sees this life that used to be his...but it's gone now. a remnant of a time gone by, and god, i just feel so lonely.