disconnected.

sometimes, i start to feel like i belong somewhere. i feel the overwhelming sensation of being a part of something that's bigger than myself. i feel whole. i feel alive. and then, for one reason or another, i experience agonizing defeat. i fight it, but i always end up in the same place.

i'm left staring at a face in the mirror that i don't even like. i'm left wondering what on earth she has that i haven't. wondering why i get the short end of the stick. why do i get nothing and she gets everything when i give you everything. i give you everything. i try to give and not expect anything, but i'm only human. i can only give so much before i breakdown. and i try time again to refill, but i don't even know what God's love looks like anymore.

i feel disconnected more now than any other time in my life. it's like i'm watching a movie play out and i want so much to be a part of it, but i'm just not. i am outside myself and yet i feel everything so poignantly. and i want to know God's love. i need to know God's love before i go insane. this world is harsh and cruel and will tear me apart. i can already feel it. this world wants to destroy me and i'm too weak to do anything about it.

God's strength. God's story. God's love. i know it's the answer but i don't know where to find it. knock and the door will be opened. seek and you will find. well here i am, God. seeking. knocking. here i am, i'm yours.

displeased.

tumblr was my last haven, you know. it was a place where i could entirely be me. where the world revolves around people with no life, indie kids, fashion, gifs, my chemical romance, cats, harry potter, and doctor who. it was my world. i was in my element. and then this new mindset began, like an infection...spreading quickly through the tumblr ranks. i need more followers. must whore myself shamelessly. and just like that, the neo-myspace era begins.

i feel as though something has been taken from me, although it is only a website. and now almost everyone i know can see it. it is no longer a place for me to be honest about how i'm feeling, it's just another place that i have to hide. and because of that, i am displeased.

displaced.

i constantly feel inadequate. and i mean constantly. as a friend, as a daughter, as a leader, and as a human being. i'm not smart enough, pretty enough, or good enough for anyone or anything. i know that's not what God has for me, but i just can't help it.