disconnected.

sometimes, i start to feel like i belong somewhere. i feel the overwhelming sensation of being a part of something that's bigger than myself. i feel whole. i feel alive. and then, for one reason or another, i experience agonizing defeat. i fight it, but i always end up in the same place.

i'm left staring at a face in the mirror that i don't even like. i'm left wondering what on earth she has that i haven't. wondering why i get the short end of the stick. why do i get nothing and she gets everything when i give you everything. i give you everything. i try to give and not expect anything, but i'm only human. i can only give so much before i breakdown. and i try time again to refill, but i don't even know what God's love looks like anymore.

i feel disconnected more now than any other time in my life. it's like i'm watching a movie play out and i want so much to be a part of it, but i'm just not. i am outside myself and yet i feel everything so poignantly. and i want to know God's love. i need to know God's love before i go insane. this world is harsh and cruel and will tear me apart. i can already feel it. this world wants to destroy me and i'm too weak to do anything about it.

God's strength. God's story. God's love. i know it's the answer but i don't know where to find it. knock and the door will be opened. seek and you will find. well here i am, God. seeking. knocking. here i am, i'm yours.