inconsequential.

will i always be that friend? the one people call if they need me but never the one they actually want. a back-up plan, a substitute, a compromise. i just realized this is almost exactly like my last post, but i have the right to be redundant on my own blog. this is my last haven, my last hiding place. this is my raw stream of consciousness which is only read by one human being, who loves me despite my ridiculous emotions.

i am tired of being slighted for something better, something more exciting. i'm tired of being left behind. it's hard. it's hard and it sucks. maybe i'm just picking at scabs of old cuts i had. but i can't help it. i'm a human being and nobody likes being displaced.

everyone's pairing up, you see. regardless of relationship status: alex has jess, elly has marc, mandy has nahum, jamie has kasie, ellie has jake, but who do i have? who do i turn to? and i try not to think it's me. i try not to let myself think that, to buy into the lie that i've been faced with before--you are inadequate kaytie rose and you always will be, that's why you lose everyone you get close to. but it's getting hard not to let myself believe it. i'm exhausted, really.

and posting this does nothing. it doesn't change anything, doesn't help, doesn't stop me from aching, but i need to get it out. this is honest. this is raw and unbridled and ugly and i hate it, but i need to get it out of me.