thought of the day #34

the world is not ending because i lost one friend. i can live past this and keep on loving. i will not let this make me calloused. i have a heartbeat, and i am alive. this should be considered a miracle. and i'm going to live like it is one.

i remember.

stargazing on a beach. dreaming until the future no longer scared me. the sky was the limit. crying because you cried. late talks and early sunsets that we never managed to see. i remember art bleeding into our day to day lives. i'd take breaks from school for hours because i had to write. i just had to or i'd explode. i remember phone calls. kisses to the cheek and simple things like that. notes left to remind me that i matter. i never managed to adequately show you how i felt in return. i'm just so bad with words, you see. i remember photographs and where they were taken. the surroundings in them clear and vivid. silly jokes. hugs. guacamole. creating. texting for hours. sharing everything. i remember when things were so different. i remember walking and talking and laughing and crying and loving. i remember your back as you walked away. and telling myself over and over again "i will forget you." and never forgetting, not even for a second.

thought of the day #33

i'm hurting. i'm still hurting.

thought of the day #32

you lied to me. you said you weren't a long distance phone call. you said you'd always be there waiting. you lied to me, and that makes it so hard to forgive you. so hard to let go.

the current me.

i am happy and i am sad. my heart is heavy and light. losing you was the hardest thing i've ever had to do. it's so hard that i can't even cry. whenever i think about it, it's just...emptiness. until i don't even have words to say. and i can't handle the strain of everything else on top of this. i am happy with the friends i have. i'm so glad i have such amazing people to hold me up when i feel so scared and sad and hurt. but i can't even put into words how painful it is just to think about you. i don't want to see your face or hear your words. it hurts. but the good news is, i'm going to get over this. i will hold onto the people i have, the people who stuck with me when you couldn't. and i will let this go. i will be a better person for it.

thank you for destroying me. now God can rebuild me.

this is the current me. i am in repair.

thought of the day #31

i'm okay. i'm functioning.

it's kind of insane.

and this makes me so happy.

thought of the day #30

you didn't care about hurting me at all.

but i'm glad you're happy now without me. really i am.