unaccomplished.

i have nothing under my belt. i feel like i'm somehow missing out on life because i'm not out there doing things. making adventures. starting new things, making new friends. but what can i do when i'm afraid of everything?

uncomfortable.

my own skin feels false again, like i don't even know who i am. i'm only home for a few hours at best it seems and i'm wasting it just doing nothing at all. and you don't call me. and you don't talk anymore. and all your time is her time. it's like i don't exist.

unabridged.

this is the complete, honest, and unabridged truth.

i lie to myself and to the people around me about how much i really like him. how much i just like to look at him sometimes, like the way he moves is an artform. how much i like the way his eyes scrunch up when he smiles and the dimple on his cheek. sometimes, i just want to touch his hair or his face or hold his hand or hug him. it's awkward and i hate it and i suppress it and say that i'm fine but i'm not fine. i will be sitting in a restaurant across from him and all i want to do is kiss him. to reach across the empty expanse of the table and kiss him.

i know that he doesn't feel the same way that i do. i know he likes her, not me. i know he has flaws and imperfections and needs to grow up and i know next to nothing about him, but i honestly can't help the way i feel. and it's starting to overwhelm me to the point where i don't know if i can keep it contained any more. and this is the whole truth of the matter.

disconnected.

sometimes, i start to feel like i belong somewhere. i feel the overwhelming sensation of being a part of something that's bigger than myself. i feel whole. i feel alive. and then, for one reason or another, i experience agonizing defeat. i fight it, but i always end up in the same place.

i'm left staring at a face in the mirror that i don't even like. i'm left wondering what on earth she has that i haven't. wondering why i get the short end of the stick. why do i get nothing and she gets everything when i give you everything. i give you everything. i try to give and not expect anything, but i'm only human. i can only give so much before i breakdown. and i try time again to refill, but i don't even know what God's love looks like anymore.

i feel disconnected more now than any other time in my life. it's like i'm watching a movie play out and i want so much to be a part of it, but i'm just not. i am outside myself and yet i feel everything so poignantly. and i want to know God's love. i need to know God's love before i go insane. this world is harsh and cruel and will tear me apart. i can already feel it. this world wants to destroy me and i'm too weak to do anything about it.

God's strength. God's story. God's love. i know it's the answer but i don't know where to find it. knock and the door will be opened. seek and you will find. well here i am, God. seeking. knocking. here i am, i'm yours.

displeased.

tumblr was my last haven, you know. it was a place where i could entirely be me. where the world revolves around people with no life, indie kids, fashion, gifs, my chemical romance, cats, harry potter, and doctor who. it was my world. i was in my element. and then this new mindset began, like an infection...spreading quickly through the tumblr ranks. i need more followers. must whore myself shamelessly. and just like that, the neo-myspace era begins.

i feel as though something has been taken from me, although it is only a website. and now almost everyone i know can see it. it is no longer a place for me to be honest about how i'm feeling, it's just another place that i have to hide. and because of that, i am displeased.

displaced.

i constantly feel inadequate. and i mean constantly. as a friend, as a daughter, as a leader, and as a human being. i'm not smart enough, pretty enough, or good enough for anyone or anything. i know that's not what God has for me, but i just can't help it.

the hurt is still here.

let's go back in time,
can we, please pretty please?
back to when things were an atom bomb
of creation and chaos.
and moods were as volatile as chemical love.

when you turned to me
and said, "you're the best
thing that's ever happened to me."
we were the unstoppable
and the immovable.

a ragtag tagteam of
catastrophic proportions.
can you believe it?
it's been a year since we felt it,
the spark, the electricity
of knowing we didn't know.

there was so much to hope for,
so much left to want.
and it was okay to be incomplete,
it was okay to not be okay.
we didn't need to fix things,
nothing was broken.

now it's just me left,
half-oiled machinery.
i've always hated machines,
but that's what it feels like.
going through motions.
trying to feel it,
the creation, the chaos.
is gone like you,
did you take it with you?

and i know this is just
one more thing that i need to
let go of. and let slide.
one more thing that
shouldn't hurt still
after so long.
but i still miss it.

oh, the whirlwind of you,
incorruptible, immovable.
your empty space
haunts my eyelids
each night i fall asleep.