some things.

i am a ink-and-paper friend.

i am a cardboard cut-out friend.

i am a paper-doll friend.

you don't actually want to see me or my stupid face or deal with my stupid, inconsistent, unintelligent words. so instead i hide behind the internet and text and things that make me eloquent and you go and see and talk to people who are pretty and laugh a lot and are shiny and magnetic and i'm just tired of feeling okay?

texting ridiculousness.

things i say when i talk to elly ives on a coffee/sugar high:

"so, fun fact, i did one of those things on facebook where the people on your sidebar are different things. it was harry potter themed. you were the dark lord. SORRY ELLY BUT I THINK OUR RELATIONSHIP IS MUTUALLY DESTRUCTIVE AND I MIGHT HAVE TO KILL YOU."

"i am an enigma. a body loosely wrapped around a never-ending nervous system of feelings. a figment of the world's imagination."

feeling blue.

this is a recent development. i think it's due to boredom for the most part. and the fact that things have been changing a lot recently. something i finally thought i could trust to be concrete has crumbled. and you know, i should've seen it coming. i did see it coming, actually. i was just too young and too stupid to stop myself from getting attached. attachment is the worst. attachment breeds affection and affection disillusioned me. i thought that maybe i could mean the same to someone that they meant to me. i was very, very wrong. the thing about attachment is that there is always an inevitable detachment. and now i just feel detached from everything. attached, everything felt raw, charged, alive. detached, everything becomes just ever so slightly muted. and i feel blue. because i have nothing to do and i miss attachment and i miss feeling alive and i miss all the people i've had to lose in my life, even if they're close enough to touch. i'm mad at myself for moping and desperate to move on, but tonight i'm feeling blue.

creating.

it's almost sad that i'm researching right now for a writing project more than i ever have. guess what that writing project is? fan fiction. i am pathetic.

image.

i have a very serious problem with self-image. it's getting worse.

useless.

again i'm struck with the reality of my childishness. naivety. insufficiency. inadequacy. it feels like these things will follow me for the rest of my life. i can never be the person i want to be. i am not enough. i'm useless. i serve no purpose on this planet except writing aimlessly, mindlessly, and pining after things i can never have. being myself isn't nearly good enough. i have such high standards for myself--expectations i can't quite meet.

shatterkid part two.

seeing as i am an emotional trainwreck at the moment, i probably shouldn't be writing this. but boundaries be damned, this is my blog. at the moment i'm not crying, which is actually surprising to me. today i cried in a starbucks. today i cried driving on imperial highway. i'm glad i'm not crying now because i feel like i could vomit. too much information? too bad. just got told to my face that i am doing everything wrong in a relationship and if i don't fix it, i will lose her. the inevitability of it all is driving me insane right now. i feel so unfairly judged and unjustly dealt with. i'm not used to being shoved into my own faults so carelessly by someone who promises that she loves me so much. if you really loved me so much you would handle me with care because i'm not invincible. i can and will break. i feel abused right now. even though i know she's right about how i'm acting. i haven't opened up to her. i haven't talked to her enough. i haven't been myself around her. she was honest with me, brutally so, and i appreciate it. but it still hurts and i still feel sick. and right now i don't want to talk to her anymore, because i feel a little bit like i'm shattering. so what do i do now?