thought of the day #3

"In Christ alone, my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song. This cornerstone, this solid ground...firm through the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease. My comforter, my all in all. Here in the love of Christ, I stand."

i have no strength but through Him. none. this progress is Him working in me, not my own efforts. without Him, i am nothing. truly nothing. without him, hope is impossible.

i give this day to Him. all my thoughts, the things i feel, and the words i speak.

progress,

"is this darkness in you too? have you passed through this night?"

it's moments like these when i revert back to "i'm not good enough" to answer all my questions and doubts. this isn't a healthy thing to do. but i'm not sure how to break this pattern. i'm still making progress though, because i'm not letting this break me down. let's keep it this way.

thought of the day #2.

if i keep myself busy, the things that used to hurt me so much are quite trivial. the pain is dull and muted and i can function.

if this is progress, sign me up.

thought of the day.

i'm very very very surprised at how easy it is just to let things go. i've never tried it before. it kind of works. and that in itself just blows me away.

i have a feeling i'll be doing this more often.
it's so much easier than insecurity.

screw it,

i'm not listening to that part of my heart anymore.

i'm only listening to my head and the part of my heart that's aligned with that.
because in my head everything makes sense. that's all. g'bye.

Your ways are higher than our ways.

i forget that so much. and i just get so caught up with feelings, a whirlwind of emotion. crashing down around me like a tidal wave. yeah, i guess i get lost in that and forget that there is one higher than me and how i feel. His strength is greater than i can even fathom.

i want to stop doubting His love and His will and His purpose.

that is all. goodnight.

there's nothing you can do that can't be done.

what is originality anyway?

what's the point in even trying?

backwards and upside down.

for all my boasts of being real, honest, and genuine...i am the worst fake. i'm so worried about what other people think, what she's thinking, what i look like. i'm always worried. i'm always anxious. i'm always comparing myself. and everything just adds up until i'm not even me anymore. i am what i think you want me to be. which, ironically, is quite the opposite. and so now i'm all twisted up. trying to figure out who i was. and who i am now. i don't want to be worried or insecure. i want to be me.

short blog i know.
but you know,
who's even reading this?

real.

give me real.
give me truth.
give me genuine.
give me honest.
give me you,
as you are.
who you are.
broken or perfect,
dirty or clean,
loud or quiet,
tough or tender,
hated or loved.

give me real.

so, i'm hurting.

so what. i mean, is it really going to matter in the scope of things how i feel? it's trivial. i mean, of course i hate the way it is now. but my pastor today said something that sparked my interest. he said "even if your life completely sucks, you have eternal life. that's saying something." and it's so very true. even when i think i have nothing going for me, i do. i have a love that never fails, i have a hope that cannot be be extinguished. that makes the world that much brighter. so, i'm hurting. so what. wallowing in self-pity gets me nowhere. all progress is suffocated by my need to feel...i don't know. loved. wanted. cared for. but i have all of these things and more in my Savior. in the end, is all this pointless wavering going to matter. no, it's not. the pain inside me now will eventually be eclipsed by the love and grace and peace that emanates all around my Heavenly Father. does this all sound too preachy? but who's even listening? i am saved. i am loved. i have hope. so, i'm hurting.

so what?

i have hope_

it's my new catch-phrase, because "i'm not interesting" got old.

hope is such a strong emotion. the other day i told my friend that "hope means nothing" because it can't change anything. i've changed my mind. hope can change everything. if i have hope, even the slightest inclination that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, i will hold on. giving up isn't an option or even a valid thought when i have a hope to hold to.
people have different kinds of hope. they hold onto the hope of getting away from their home. the hope that they can make a difference in the world. a hope that they will succeed. the hope that they will fall in love. and i have hope that everything will be okay someday. but hope is so very risky. you can lay everything on the line just to have things fall through. to hope you cannot be afraid to fail, or to get hurt. those things are a part of the world turning. it's the natural state of things. everything going from order to disorder and such (thanks newton). false hope, believing in something so strongly and having it fall through, is so hard.

but without hope, we are nothing. i am nothing at least.
and my hope rests in a unearthly strength.
i have hope. and i will continue to have hope.

have heart my dear, you're bound to be afraid.-snow patrol.

thinking on tennesse//this is a blog.

well, hello there.
been thinking on tennessee. i live in socal, where "everyone who's anyone wants to be." but i find myself wanting to leave. is that normal? i don't know. both my parents came from the south. my mom grew up in texas (in fact i'm going there this christmas, party time!) and my dad grew up in tennessee and i've been to both places to visit extended family throughout most of my life. and texas is aight, but i love tennessee. my grandad lives there and i never go and i kind of want that to change. i've been thinking on tennessee, and how i can see myself going. how i can see myself with an edgy haircut and a tattoo sleeve. the things that will never happen that i wish really would. the stuff i wish i had the guts to do. my good friend alex (actually probably the only person reading this) has this organization called MANA. it stands for "Make Art, Not Apathy." it is something i believe so very strongly in: not giving up on life. we are real. we have heartbeats. we have to live, breathe, eat, drink, create. it's just the way we are. but that's a side tangent. anyway, this organization is getting some recognition on a local level. how amazing would it be to see kids with MANA shirts walking around in nashville, memphis, franklin...etc. and since i'd be road-tripping out there probably, how about in the towns along the way? i get too excited about these kind of things. anyway. been thinking on tennesee.

love, frankie rose.