thought of the day #42

i know superficial things like this don't matter,

but i still feel pathetic for going to prom alone.

thought of the day #41

so this isn't ideal.

thought of the day #40

there is so much more to this world than self-pity. there is a vast expanse of sky. there are rainstorms and laughter. there are mountains and snowfalls and first kisses and first loves. there are best friends that come and go, best friends that touch our souls. there are moments of breathless elation. shivers. infinity and skylines that look like christmas trees. there is a God so huge that i can't even begin to fathom Him but i want to. i want to know Him above all else. i want to put him before every raindrop, laugh, kiss, best friend, shiver, or skyline. i want my everything to be built in Him.

my salvation lies in His love.

thought of the day #39

i misread your feelings. and i keep making the wrong decision instead of just leaving you the heck alone like you want. okay. from here on out, i will not hold on to this. i will hold onto the hope of Heaven and i won't try to fix myself. i won't try to fix things with you either. things will fall into place. they may not be the places i want, but they will be right. and whole. and complete.

but not by my strength, by Yours.

i'm really considering

making a bad decision and texting you tonight. i know it's a bad decision because it will not end well. either you won't reply at all, or you'll be all detached and passive and i'll say goodbye feeling even more empty than before. but there's this hope inside my soul that you miss me at least a fraction of how much i miss you. i know it's not true, but i can't help feeling it. i have this displaced hope that you might reply with a "hello davey. it's been a while. i miss you. we should talk." and i can call you and we can finally understand each other again. i don't like living life without you even if i'm very happy for you. i know you don't need me. that's why texting you tonight would be a very very bad idea. but i'm still considering it.

i'm not very smart.

thought of the day #38

honestly, i just miss you. i miss the random question game. and saying what we like and what we don't like. i miss being able to just say "hi, i love you." to you. sometimes that's all i want to do now. and i know it won't make me happy and it sure won't make you happy, but i just feel like it'll kill me if i don't. which it doesn't. but sometimes it just gets unbearable. missing you.

thought of the day #37

today is just one of those days where i'm super insensitive and rude. and it's really frustrating cause i just feel so bad afterwards. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i am sad and i feel like crying.

thought of the day #36

not by my strength, by Yours.

thought of the day #35

why exactly am i making myself miserable?

i was there in her life for a purpose. God knows what He's doing.

thought of the day #34

the world is not ending because i lost one friend. i can live past this and keep on loving. i will not let this make me calloused. i have a heartbeat, and i am alive. this should be considered a miracle. and i'm going to live like it is one.

i remember.

stargazing on a beach. dreaming until the future no longer scared me. the sky was the limit. crying because you cried. late talks and early sunsets that we never managed to see. i remember art bleeding into our day to day lives. i'd take breaks from school for hours because i had to write. i just had to or i'd explode. i remember phone calls. kisses to the cheek and simple things like that. notes left to remind me that i matter. i never managed to adequately show you how i felt in return. i'm just so bad with words, you see. i remember photographs and where they were taken. the surroundings in them clear and vivid. silly jokes. hugs. guacamole. creating. texting for hours. sharing everything. i remember when things were so different. i remember walking and talking and laughing and crying and loving. i remember your back as you walked away. and telling myself over and over again "i will forget you." and never forgetting, not even for a second.

thought of the day #33

i'm hurting. i'm still hurting.

thought of the day #32

you lied to me. you said you weren't a long distance phone call. you said you'd always be there waiting. you lied to me, and that makes it so hard to forgive you. so hard to let go.

the current me.

i am happy and i am sad. my heart is heavy and light. losing you was the hardest thing i've ever had to do. it's so hard that i can't even cry. whenever i think about it, it's just...emptiness. until i don't even have words to say. and i can't handle the strain of everything else on top of this. i am happy with the friends i have. i'm so glad i have such amazing people to hold me up when i feel so scared and sad and hurt. but i can't even put into words how painful it is just to think about you. i don't want to see your face or hear your words. it hurts. but the good news is, i'm going to get over this. i will hold onto the people i have, the people who stuck with me when you couldn't. and i will let this go. i will be a better person for it.

thank you for destroying me. now God can rebuild me.

this is the current me. i am in repair.

thought of the day #31

i'm okay. i'm functioning.

it's kind of insane.

and this makes me so happy.

thought of the day #30

you didn't care about hurting me at all.

but i'm glad you're happy now without me. really i am.