disillusioned.

i feel like that part in little miss sunshine when dwayne talks about beauty contests is so relevant to my life right now. "you know what? fuck beauty contests." i am so disillusioned with trying to be beautiful.you know what? i wear the same four shirts over and over again and i always wear the same shoes and i have messy hair that never looks right and i have small eyes and i don't know how to put on make up and i have bad skin and i eat like crap and don't exercise enough and when i laugh it's loud and annoying and when i smile my gums show too much.

but i'm sick of comparing myself. life shouldn't have to be a beauty contest. whatever happened to the things that actually matter? art and beauty and loving your fellow human beings. screw beauty contests, i'm sick of trying.

a few things.

i'm tired of this. i'm tired of constantly feeling like an after-thought. i really just want to feel important. i really just want to feel like i'm not going it alone. i'm tired of this weight always hanging heavy in my heart when i know i'm not the one chosen. i'm like the last one picked for games in elementary school. i'm always the last one picked.

unhappy.

maybe the reason i'm so unenthusiastic about our relationship is because the last time i got attached to you, you severed all ties and left me in the dust. so i apologize for not throwing myself back into that again. i'm sorry i've been hurt one too many times to trust people that easily. what more do you want me to do? i give all that i can to you. i try so hard and the reason i give up is because you always have someone more, someone better, someone more important and i'm tired of trying to measure up.

on top of that, i've seen what you can do. i know you're trying to change, but girl, you bring destruction with you wherever you go. i can't be destroyed again. i've seen what you can do, you're constantly hurting and scarring someone that i love very much. someone who has always been there for you, and has pursued you, and has been there for you, and has wanted to be close. i've seen what you can do and i hate it. so i'm sorry i can't live up to your standards. i'm sorry i have trust issues too.

untitled.

what is my life even about? god, it's like every time i feel like i have something going for me, it's gone. will i ever belong again? will i ever be someone's whole world? and i know it's wrong to want that but i just need to know for a brief moment that i am important. that i matter. that no one's going to replace me. because i'm always replaced. always. consistently. sometimes i just don't want to try anymore. i'm so exhausted. i feel lost. i feel dissociated and unappreciated and shattered and i have nothing left to give.

unaccomplished.

i have nothing under my belt. i feel like i'm somehow missing out on life because i'm not out there doing things. making adventures. starting new things, making new friends. but what can i do when i'm afraid of everything?

uncomfortable.

my own skin feels false again, like i don't even know who i am. i'm only home for a few hours at best it seems and i'm wasting it just doing nothing at all. and you don't call me. and you don't talk anymore. and all your time is her time. it's like i don't exist.

unabridged.

this is the complete, honest, and unabridged truth.

i lie to myself and to the people around me about how much i really like him. how much i just like to look at him sometimes, like the way he moves is an artform. how much i like the way his eyes scrunch up when he smiles and the dimple on his cheek. sometimes, i just want to touch his hair or his face or hold his hand or hug him. it's awkward and i hate it and i suppress it and say that i'm fine but i'm not fine. i will be sitting in a restaurant across from him and all i want to do is kiss him. to reach across the empty expanse of the table and kiss him.

i know that he doesn't feel the same way that i do. i know he likes her, not me. i know he has flaws and imperfections and needs to grow up and i know next to nothing about him, but i honestly can't help the way i feel. and it's starting to overwhelm me to the point where i don't know if i can keep it contained any more. and this is the whole truth of the matter.