remainder.

the people i get attached to have a tendency to sever all ties and disappear from my life. sometimes i feel like i'm cursed. sometimes i'm grateful for the people who haven't subscribed to this trend.

displacement.

no, i am not okay with being replaced. with being told with actions, not words, that someone else is far more important than me. i am not okay with comparing myself constantly, trying to figure out why the hell she's better than me when i've been giving and giving and giving as much as i possibly can for so long. i changed everything i was to be a better person and i'm the one who ends up hurting. no, i am not okay with this. i am not okay with being brushed aside like yesterday's garbage. i am a human being with feelings. those feelings have been hurt. i am not okay with trusting someone and being completely wrecked because of it. no. i am not okay.

insomnia.

well, it's five thirty in the morning and i've got quotes from fight club running through my head. i could've kept shifting around in my bed, trying to get comfortable, trying to stop thinking about conflict, but it was getting unbearable. but instead of doing something productive like reading or writing or getting a goddamn cuppa tea and going back to bed, i went on facebook and went through all of your tagged photos. it sounds fantastically creepy when i say it outright like that, but it's what i did and i'm being honest about it. and it just made me more miserable. tomorrow, er, today, i have to confront a friend about how hurt i am sometimes by the way she treats me. and i started wondering if i had confronted you, would it have made an impact? would i still have had to lose you? i think the answer is yes to the latter. i think you needed to be rid of me, at least in your brain it made sense. i was a remnant of a childhood you'd rather forget and that's fine, that's fine. but i miss your smile and your hug attacks and how we spent half an hour at disneyland talking in british accents. it actually makes me physically ache, but only sometimes. i've gotten pretty good at compartmentalizing and then repressing that part of me. because it's ugly, the way that i miss you. it's not pretty and people have heard the same story over and over again and they're sick of it. how could they not be? i'm sick of it and it's my story. i know you don't ache over me and it's been over a year now since you last loved me entirely. and i'm not bitter that you moved on, no. you had a life to live, you've got so much life in you and i couldn't make you see it but other people could and that's fine too. i'm glad you know that now. i just miss you. you understood me on a completely different level and i understood you too, i think. you have something of mine, a piece of my soul, and i can't ever get it back.

defenseless.

this is what happens when i let my guard down for even a second. i was so emotionally unprepared for all that has happened in just these two days. sometimes i don't even know who is on my side. and should i even have a side? this life isn't a game or a war, is it? i've been abandoned, i've been neglected, i've been hurt. if life were a game, it would be more fair. if life were a war, there would be a victor.

this is what it's like being defenseless. and i don't much care for it.

ventilation.

i tried to write a coherent and eloquent blog here about the inner workings of my heart. but then i just started crying and forgot how to write words. so i'm just going to say here that i love the people God has given me as my foundation. because everything feels so shaky now, so terribly, devastatingly uncertain. i feel like i'm losing my best friend, something that has happened to me about four times now. and i feel exhausted, like i can't take any more of it. her choices tell me that i am her back-up plan. i am her second-thought. even if it isn't true, actions speak louder than words.

also, mandy who is reading this, and chandler if you're lurking, you are very, very important to my life and tonight you both made my heart incredibly happy. i hope these thoughts aren't too infantile. forgive me, i am still growing.