insomnia.

well, it's five thirty in the morning and i've got quotes from fight club running through my head. i could've kept shifting around in my bed, trying to get comfortable, trying to stop thinking about conflict, but it was getting unbearable. but instead of doing something productive like reading or writing or getting a goddamn cuppa tea and going back to bed, i went on facebook and went through all of your tagged photos. it sounds fantastically creepy when i say it outright like that, but it's what i did and i'm being honest about it. and it just made me more miserable. tomorrow, er, today, i have to confront a friend about how hurt i am sometimes by the way she treats me. and i started wondering if i had confronted you, would it have made an impact? would i still have had to lose you? i think the answer is yes to the latter. i think you needed to be rid of me, at least in your brain it made sense. i was a remnant of a childhood you'd rather forget and that's fine, that's fine. but i miss your smile and your hug attacks and how we spent half an hour at disneyland talking in british accents. it actually makes me physically ache, but only sometimes. i've gotten pretty good at compartmentalizing and then repressing that part of me. because it's ugly, the way that i miss you. it's not pretty and people have heard the same story over and over again and they're sick of it. how could they not be? i'm sick of it and it's my story. i know you don't ache over me and it's been over a year now since you last loved me entirely. and i'm not bitter that you moved on, no. you had a life to live, you've got so much life in you and i couldn't make you see it but other people could and that's fine too. i'm glad you know that now. i just miss you. you understood me on a completely different level and i understood you too, i think. you have something of mine, a piece of my soul, and i can't ever get it back.