ventilation.

i tried to write a coherent and eloquent blog here about the inner workings of my heart. but then i just started crying and forgot how to write words. so i'm just going to say here that i love the people God has given me as my foundation. because everything feels so shaky now, so terribly, devastatingly uncertain. i feel like i'm losing my best friend, something that has happened to me about four times now. and i feel exhausted, like i can't take any more of it. her choices tell me that i am her back-up plan. i am her second-thought. even if it isn't true, actions speak louder than words.

also, mandy who is reading this, and chandler if you're lurking, you are very, very important to my life and tonight you both made my heart incredibly happy. i hope these thoughts aren't too infantile. forgive me, i am still growing.