thought of the day #25

i'm neither happy or sad. both concrete emotions giving way to the ever present sense of apathy. and i'm asking myself, where are we going from here? but i have no answers. i don't know where God wants me. i want to leave and i want to stay. i want new friends and i want to keep the old ones. i want release and i want closeness. and i know God is close but i just can't hear Him. i need some sort of reassurance that i'm doing the right thing. i'm restless and apathetic and i'm still trying to make sense of this. i want to make a difference. i want to see change. i want to be a part of something so huge and breathtaking i can hardly stand it.

right now, i don't know where i'm at.

thought of the day #16

today i feel like i'm okay. i don't really know why, because yesterday was really hard. i was so close to a breakdown it was ridiculous. but somehow i held on. and today i feel like i'm steady. and that can only be God. it's not in my strength to give me this kind of happiness. of course, there are these lingering doubts in my head about who i am to you. but i am choosing to trust that you know what you're doing. and that i will always be your best friend. and i'm trusting to God that He will comfort me, even in the darkness. and in the light, i will thank Him and praise Him. today, i am in recovery.

(: