torn.

i feel like the minute i go to a brand new school, i'll lose everyone i care about. i know it's an irrational fear, but it's all i can think about. i don't want to become just a good but faint memory.

upset.

i don't like being compared to other people. i do it enough to myself as it is, and so when people do it to me, it's like touching a raw nerve. yeah. it hurts. i am not like anyone else, and i cannot be. i have faced this fact. i don't particularly like this fact. i'm not a huge fan of me all the time.

so i'm sorry i'm not someone else, i'm sorry i don't give you the attention you feel you deserve. but to be honest, you broke my heart. i know that sounds petty but i put in the effort and you left me in the dust. so i'm sorry for being a little wary of where i leave my heart. and yes, i probably don't talk to you as much as you feel i should. but i will always be there for you. i am a constant. i stay with the people i care about. a lot of people would kill for a friend like that.

but i'm just rambling now. all i really wanted to say is that i'm sick of being the bad guy.

tick tick boom.

i'm not sure how to even put into words quite what i'm feeling. i don't know how long i can contain it all inside this tiny little body of mine. i am a time-bomb.

certainty.

everything feels uncertain. like taking the first few steps after your feet have been asleep.

but i'm writing again and there's so much passion in it that it actually scares me. i wonder where it all comes from. it's not a story about me at all. suicidal boy who falls in love with and gets addicted to the memory of his dead best friend while simultaneously finding the girl who could change everything for him. these are not things i am experienced in, i promise you. but it's all so raw, so charged with emotions i've only scratched the surface of in real life. desperation and the need to feel when everything becomes numb, diluted. i don't feel all of these things on a regular basis, but there is a vein of raw human emotion in my writing that awes me. so, i'm writing again. there's something certain, i guess.

nerves.

I WANT TO GO TO FILM SCHOOL. SO MUCH. and i don't even know why. it just...makes sense. it just clicks. fits. i don't know why i want this so badly. maybe it'll pass. maybe it's a phase. all i know is that i sort of feel sick thinking about all of this. fear and uncertainty and nerves and excitement all mixed up together.

disjointed.

okay. so i have options. i can stay here at concordia where i have been miserable so far. i can stay at concordia but live at home. i can transfer to biola or azusa pacific. i could look into another school to transfer into. i could go to fullerton college for a semester or two. i could go to art school. i could go to film school.

but everything's so uncertain. who says i can get into art school or film school? i mean, i'm not that talented and there's probably not a very lucrative career for me in either one. although, to be fair, there's not really a lucrative career in what i'm studying to be now, but that's beside the point. but everything is so...shaky. unsure. this decision is weighing me down until it's hard to function because i feel like i'm on the verge of a panic attack or something.

this month. this month, i have to decide everything. and i hate it.

overwhelmed.

it's strange when feelings you were so sure of just leave. it's strange when people you were so sure of start to falter. because these feelings are leaving. these people are faltering. and i'm left here wondering where i fit into this universe. what do i do with these dreams that can't go anywhere? what do i do with these fears that keep me hesitating? it's hard to have hope when the world seems so hostile. it's hard to believe that God can still work miracles in hearts that have been so hardened. can God stop a train from crashing?

and now it's strange to look at him and realize that he's not the one i really want anyway. i wanted attention, i wanted to feel like i mattered to someone. so what if i don't matter to him the way i wanted to? i matter to someone far greater than he. but now what? my life had become curled around the idea that i liked this boy, but now that's fading and i'm left with the overwhelming question of "what now?" do i focus on school which i hate? do i try to keep writing stories no one will read? what now.