confession.

_ ____ _ ____ ___. _ ___. and it terrifies me.

normal.

i'm pretty unique, pretty special. i don't think anyone really thinks like i do, all my imperfections and personality quirks. i am the sum of all my parts. sometimes, though, being so different is taxing, exhausting, lonely. sometimes, i just want to be normal.

feeling.

well, it's late. for me, anyway. i'm tired and the past two days have been very odd. i feel emotionally detached from everything so everything feels like it's shifted, like it's off, but really it's just me. i've shifted. i'm off. and i'm hoping this is temporary, and i'm feeling like it probably is. especially since right now, i'm feeling quite a bit. that's almost entirely because i've been writing for a half hour. writing helps me to feel things. and the emotions are real, even if the words are fabrications. but now it's getting to the point where i'm starting to hate all my writing and i'm feeling like a failure as an author...so it's time to call it quits for the night and get some sleep.

ache.

my head hurts really bad. that could be because it's two in the morning or it could be from the exhaustion i'm going into right now or maybe, possibly, it could be because i'm feeling far too much, so much that my head is splitting at the seams. that's what it feels like. splitting apart from the inside out, right behind my eyeballs.

because i feel something i don't want to feel, shouldn't feel, and i can't tell anyone, can't even speak a word or it will shatter this illusion that i've created around myself so that i don't have to face all of this. except my head is screaming face it, god please just face it i can't take this anymore. my heart is simply too overwhelmed to say anything at all besides possibly "help."

my stomach hurts and my eyes hurt and my body is responding negatively to this and i can't help hating this feeling because it can't go anywhere. it is a dead-end emotion with no foundation and no fuel. it just bumps half-heartedly into the edge of my psyche, waiting for something to happen that never will. and these are all words stringed together without care or concern and they mean nothing. they mean nothing at all.

absence.

i feel your absence profoundly today. it's in the drive down my hill in the sunshine and the empty silences i fill with movie dialogue. i remember laughing, i remember my bare feet hitting wet asphalt. i remember your kiss pressed to my forehead as i fall asleep and you lie awake. notes on your chalkboard. reading in the aisles of the book store. holding you close as you cry your eyes out.

i hold onto these things, because they make me happy. to remember us in our glory days. this is all that i have left of you, this and a promise to always be there. but i feel your absence. i feel your absence and it breaks me.

minutia.

it's the small things that get to me. the things everyone forgets about but i just can't. they sink in, take root, little things, simple things like tattoos and words you didn't think about before you spoke them. and they hurt, these little things. tiny pinpricks that leave enormous scars. they tear at me. mocking, taunting me. because everyone has someone, everyone has someone but me. i thought i had someone, but now i think that i sort of really don't.

youth.

there's nothing like being eighteen and getting home at one thirty in the morning with tear-streaks.

loneliness.

it's inescapable. i feel as though no one can hear me, no one can see me, and no one even cares. i am insignificant. which is irrational for many reasons, most importantly because i know there are people around me who love me and are for me. but right now, it's hard to tap into that. it's hard to feel it and i don't know why. i feel alone.