useless.

again i'm struck with the reality of my childishness. naivety. insufficiency. inadequacy. it feels like these things will follow me for the rest of my life. i can never be the person i want to be. i am not enough. i'm useless. i serve no purpose on this planet except writing aimlessly, mindlessly, and pining after things i can never have. being myself isn't nearly good enough. i have such high standards for myself--expectations i can't quite meet.

shatterkid part two.

seeing as i am an emotional trainwreck at the moment, i probably shouldn't be writing this. but boundaries be damned, this is my blog. at the moment i'm not crying, which is actually surprising to me. today i cried in a starbucks. today i cried driving on imperial highway. i'm glad i'm not crying now because i feel like i could vomit. too much information? too bad. just got told to my face that i am doing everything wrong in a relationship and if i don't fix it, i will lose her. the inevitability of it all is driving me insane right now. i feel so unfairly judged and unjustly dealt with. i'm not used to being shoved into my own faults so carelessly by someone who promises that she loves me so much. if you really loved me so much you would handle me with care because i'm not invincible. i can and will break. i feel abused right now. even though i know she's right about how i'm acting. i haven't opened up to her. i haven't talked to her enough. i haven't been myself around her. she was honest with me, brutally so, and i appreciate it. but it still hurts and i still feel sick. and right now i don't want to talk to her anymore, because i feel a little bit like i'm shattering. so what do i do now?

disjointed thoughts.

the reason i hide is that i am scared of who i am. who i am is inexcusable to me, it's unacceptable. i can't accept myself, how can anyone else? i write these thoughts like they're somehow important, but they're really not. so i construct a wall. a borderline. something i despise in others, well, i do it myself. i have no right to accuse others of masquerading, when i'm guilty of the same. the thing is, i have these standards for myself. half-composed with good intentions, half-composed with doubts, insecurity. i feel like i have to live up to these standards or no one will love me. i cannot be flawed, i cannot be incomplete. i must be whole. that's why i don't tell anyone about this blog. this is the last thing i have to hide behind. yes, i am hiding. because if anyone saw the real me, i'm half-convinced they'd run screaming.

disappointed.

the title refers to my disappointment in myself rather than any disappointment with anyone else. the blame is almost entirely mine because i cannot manage the smallest of tasks. i am the middle-man, as always. caught between two conflicting promises and i can't handle stuff like this. disappointing people. i feel like i'm trying to climb a cliff and i keep slipping back down again. that analogy doesn't even work, but analogies be damned, it's how i feel. i feel like such a disappointment. feel like i always will be.

shatterkid.

holding in a breakdown makes me nauseous. and that's kind of what i'm doing right now, i think. i've learned to internalize. i used to break from the weight of the silliest things but it was short bursts, it was transitory pain. i've been trained by experience to shove things down inside myself until my skeleton shudders under the gravity of it all. until i can't take it. so right now i feel sick. it's been a while since i've actually cried over something that wasn't in a film (which, if you know me, you should be impressed because i used to cry almost every day of my life). but approximately five minutes ago, i was lying down trying to sleep and everything hit me. it's such a cliche phrase, but that's what it felt like. it felt like i had been physically punched in the stomach. and to be honest, if you asked me what was wrong, i probably couldn't tell you. it was everything and it was nothing. but now i'm holding it again, i'm in control again. all i want to do is let go and sob like a bloody maniac, but i won't. one of these days, holding it in won't be enough and i'll just break apart.