shatterkid.

holding in a breakdown makes me nauseous. and that's kind of what i'm doing right now, i think. i've learned to internalize. i used to break from the weight of the silliest things but it was short bursts, it was transitory pain. i've been trained by experience to shove things down inside myself until my skeleton shudders under the gravity of it all. until i can't take it. so right now i feel sick. it's been a while since i've actually cried over something that wasn't in a film (which, if you know me, you should be impressed because i used to cry almost every day of my life). but approximately five minutes ago, i was lying down trying to sleep and everything hit me. it's such a cliche phrase, but that's what it felt like. it felt like i had been physically punched in the stomach. and to be honest, if you asked me what was wrong, i probably couldn't tell you. it was everything and it was nothing. but now i'm holding it again, i'm in control again. all i want to do is let go and sob like a bloody maniac, but i won't. one of these days, holding it in won't be enough and i'll just break apart.