thought of the day #7

i will not let this emptiness inside me control how i act to things.
emptiness can be filled. especially if i know who my heart truly belongs to.

and that's You.
bring back progress, please.

thought of the day #6

why do i set myself up for disappointment?

i'm a masochistic little thing aren't i.

thought of the day #5

sometimes i can't take it.
i just want to know to the bottom of my being that this will all be okay.

thought of the day #4

"first you say you're too busy. i wonder if you even miss me."-cake.

the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

i will never have good fashion sense.

this saddens me.

thought of the day #3

"In Christ alone, my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song. This cornerstone, this solid ground...firm through the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease. My comforter, my all in all. Here in the love of Christ, I stand."

i have no strength but through Him. none. this progress is Him working in me, not my own efforts. without Him, i am nothing. truly nothing. without him, hope is impossible.

i give this day to Him. all my thoughts, the things i feel, and the words i speak.

progress,

"is this darkness in you too? have you passed through this night?"

it's moments like these when i revert back to "i'm not good enough" to answer all my questions and doubts. this isn't a healthy thing to do. but i'm not sure how to break this pattern. i'm still making progress though, because i'm not letting this break me down. let's keep it this way.

thought of the day #2.

if i keep myself busy, the things that used to hurt me so much are quite trivial. the pain is dull and muted and i can function.

if this is progress, sign me up.

thought of the day.

i'm very very very surprised at how easy it is just to let things go. i've never tried it before. it kind of works. and that in itself just blows me away.

i have a feeling i'll be doing this more often.
it's so much easier than insecurity.

screw it,

i'm not listening to that part of my heart anymore.

i'm only listening to my head and the part of my heart that's aligned with that.
because in my head everything makes sense. that's all. g'bye.

Your ways are higher than our ways.

i forget that so much. and i just get so caught up with feelings, a whirlwind of emotion. crashing down around me like a tidal wave. yeah, i guess i get lost in that and forget that there is one higher than me and how i feel. His strength is greater than i can even fathom.

i want to stop doubting His love and His will and His purpose.

that is all. goodnight.

there's nothing you can do that can't be done.

what is originality anyway?

what's the point in even trying?

backwards and upside down.

for all my boasts of being real, honest, and genuine...i am the worst fake. i'm so worried about what other people think, what she's thinking, what i look like. i'm always worried. i'm always anxious. i'm always comparing myself. and everything just adds up until i'm not even me anymore. i am what i think you want me to be. which, ironically, is quite the opposite. and so now i'm all twisted up. trying to figure out who i was. and who i am now. i don't want to be worried or insecure. i want to be me.

short blog i know.
but you know,
who's even reading this?

real.

give me real.
give me truth.
give me genuine.
give me honest.
give me you,
as you are.
who you are.
broken or perfect,
dirty or clean,
loud or quiet,
tough or tender,
hated or loved.

give me real.

so, i'm hurting.

so what. i mean, is it really going to matter in the scope of things how i feel? it's trivial. i mean, of course i hate the way it is now. but my pastor today said something that sparked my interest. he said "even if your life completely sucks, you have eternal life. that's saying something." and it's so very true. even when i think i have nothing going for me, i do. i have a love that never fails, i have a hope that cannot be be extinguished. that makes the world that much brighter. so, i'm hurting. so what. wallowing in self-pity gets me nowhere. all progress is suffocated by my need to feel...i don't know. loved. wanted. cared for. but i have all of these things and more in my Savior. in the end, is all this pointless wavering going to matter. no, it's not. the pain inside me now will eventually be eclipsed by the love and grace and peace that emanates all around my Heavenly Father. does this all sound too preachy? but who's even listening? i am saved. i am loved. i have hope. so, i'm hurting.

so what?

i have hope_

it's my new catch-phrase, because "i'm not interesting" got old.

hope is such a strong emotion. the other day i told my friend that "hope means nothing" because it can't change anything. i've changed my mind. hope can change everything. if i have hope, even the slightest inclination that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, i will hold on. giving up isn't an option or even a valid thought when i have a hope to hold to.
people have different kinds of hope. they hold onto the hope of getting away from their home. the hope that they can make a difference in the world. a hope that they will succeed. the hope that they will fall in love. and i have hope that everything will be okay someday. but hope is so very risky. you can lay everything on the line just to have things fall through. to hope you cannot be afraid to fail, or to get hurt. those things are a part of the world turning. it's the natural state of things. everything going from order to disorder and such (thanks newton). false hope, believing in something so strongly and having it fall through, is so hard.

but without hope, we are nothing. i am nothing at least.
and my hope rests in a unearthly strength.
i have hope. and i will continue to have hope.

have heart my dear, you're bound to be afraid.-snow patrol.

thinking on tennesse//this is a blog.

well, hello there.
been thinking on tennessee. i live in socal, where "everyone who's anyone wants to be." but i find myself wanting to leave. is that normal? i don't know. both my parents came from the south. my mom grew up in texas (in fact i'm going there this christmas, party time!) and my dad grew up in tennessee and i've been to both places to visit extended family throughout most of my life. and texas is aight, but i love tennessee. my grandad lives there and i never go and i kind of want that to change. i've been thinking on tennessee, and how i can see myself going. how i can see myself with an edgy haircut and a tattoo sleeve. the things that will never happen that i wish really would. the stuff i wish i had the guts to do. my good friend alex (actually probably the only person reading this) has this organization called MANA. it stands for "Make Art, Not Apathy." it is something i believe so very strongly in: not giving up on life. we are real. we have heartbeats. we have to live, breathe, eat, drink, create. it's just the way we are. but that's a side tangent. anyway, this organization is getting some recognition on a local level. how amazing would it be to see kids with MANA shirts walking around in nashville, memphis, franklin...etc. and since i'd be road-tripping out there probably, how about in the towns along the way? i get too excited about these kind of things. anyway. been thinking on tennesee.

love, frankie rose.

longtimenotalk.

i want to be important.
i want what i say to matter.
i want people to look up to me,
but not imitate me.
i want to be unashamed of my weakness,
i want people to care.
i want to make a difference.
i do. i do. i do.

but why does it matter,
what i really want?

letters to blind eyes #2

edit.

dear you,
i used to think you completed me,
you don't. but that's okay.
i love you with all my heart,
even when it's really hard.
sometimes it feels like you don't see that,
or you don't care. but i'm sure you do.
somewhere inside you,
you know. you care.
but just so you know?
sometimes it hurts to see you,
you are so heartbreakingly beautiful.

love, katie rose.

letters to blind eyes.

dear j,
"your faith walks on broken glass."
i used to know you so well,
looked up to you. still do i guess.
but it's not the same.
you've changed. i've changed.
you make me very sad sometimes.
how can you ever truly create,
if your soul is wasting away?

dear...,
sometimes i would like to break you,
tear you down. see if you like how that feels.
God knows you've done it to me enough.
but you always pull me back,
like moon pulls the tide in.
i hate how much you do this to me.
all i want is a breakaway at this point.

dear j,
there's too much to put here
in a little message box.
i still cant help missing you.
my heart keeps beating it out
in unsteady rhythms, until i'm dizzy.
stars hit my eyes,
skyline, meet optical nerve.

dear _,
you're not real to me yet,
but i'm hoping soon.
and if i know your name i'm sorry.
we'll work it out,
when you hold my hand,
and give me butterflies,
when our worlds collide.
that's when we'll figure it all out,
nostalgia or fresh beginnings.
could you please find me quickly?
i get so lonely.

dear k,
i know you can read this.
the other half of me.
you're all the things i hate,
resurfacing like fish in toxic water.
death and decay, that's what you are.
i no longer need you to be strong.
i am strong through someone else now.
He is bigger than you. better than you.
strength flows through his blood.
leave. you make me sick.

thank you.

dear x,
thank you for being the stars in the sky,
and all the pretty things that make me smile.

dear x,
thank you for being there, being square,
and for fracturing my heart in a dozen different places.

dear x,
thank you for giving me butterflies,
even if you took them away so harshly.

dear x,
thank you for the smiles and laughs,
that you hate and i love with all my little heart.

the tunnel.

made it's comeback. though i'm the only one who knows what that means.

thudthud.

"holding too tightly, afraid to lose control."

#2

i don't want to be a back up plan.

you.

yeah you.

i miss you.

love, your davey.

monotone.

sometimes i don't want to feel anymore.

but that would make me so boring.

overwhelmed.

that is me. just overwhelmed by everything. i cannot say the right things at the right time. i am only human, and i feel like people need me to be superhuman. i'm ridiculously imperfect. and i cannot be the friend you need me to be. and friendship means everything to me. everything. and security means the world to me. gain my trust and you've gained all of me. but now i'm just overwhelmed.

selfishness.

it's a disease. i suffer from it chronically.

games.

i'm sort of sick of the ring-around-the-rosie people play with me. until i'm dizzy and confused and i don't really know which way is up. and i just realized i'm two-faced. so i hope people are talking behind my back. it would serve me right. god i'm such a hypocrite sometimes. i feel like nothing in my life is secure, permanent. so "my fingertips are holding onto the cracks in the foundation" to quote kate nash. and all i can think of right now is giving up. giving in. letting God take it.

but at this point, i honestly don't know where to start.

saturdaymorninghello.

so, i'm sitting here listening to eatmewhileimhot!
the singer is the same as nevershoutnever! bahaha.
similarity much?

needless to say i'm bored out of my mind.
the only movies in my house that i haven't watched,
are mama mia and the exorcist. i have an earache.
i'm drinking vitamin water. i love it a whole ton.
i have no idea what i want to watch.
but it's a lovely saturday. another saturday i'm wasting away.
i do this all the time.
sitting here on my computer,
doing abso-freakin-lutely nothing.
i need to go have an adventure.
who's with me?

i'm talking to myself now.
kthnxbai.

first post.

hello there.

i have a myspace, facebook, twitter, and xanga.
and now i have a blogspot. strange, right?
well, here i am. posting a blog. yay me.
my name is katie rose. i spell my name "kaytie."
i am sixteen years young.
i don't like my name.
i love being called frankie or davey.
i'm really really boring,
but i've been told i can write moderately well.
so, i will be posting rants, poems, and stories on here.
and yeah. should be interesting.
except i'm really not. interesting, that is.
hence the title of my blog bahaha!
so yeah. iiiii'm going to go now.

kthnxbai.