thought of the day #29

i will not judge you for what you have done to me.

all i can really do now is get over you.

just like that.

it's over.

everything we had.

everything we gave each other.

all those things we shared.

all the love we promised.

every tear,

every laugh,

every redbull cola,

every stupid joke.

every frank iero laugh,

everything everything everything.

it's all over.

thought of the day #28

i cannot believe you said that to me.

i can't even put into words how empty i feel.

thought of the day #27

way to go, punk.

thought of the day #26

this is what i wanted, what i never thought i would get. but not like this. i don't want to step on anyone's toes. i don't want to hurt anyone i don't have to. so how do i go about handling this? it's so delicate and fragile. at least to me it is. it makes me nervous how easily i could screw up and lose everyone. no, not nervous.

terrified. i'm absolutely terrified.

God is good.

and i love Him more than words could ever express.

thought of the day #25

i'm neither happy or sad. both concrete emotions giving way to the ever present sense of apathy. and i'm asking myself, where are we going from here? but i have no answers. i don't know where God wants me. i want to leave and i want to stay. i want new friends and i want to keep the old ones. i want release and i want closeness. and i know God is close but i just can't hear Him. i need some sort of reassurance that i'm doing the right thing. i'm restless and apathetic and i'm still trying to make sense of this. i want to make a difference. i want to see change. i want to be a part of something so huge and breathtaking i can hardly stand it.

right now, i don't know where i'm at.

thought of the day #24

this is sort of a past thought, i thought it yesterday really. but i can't really stop thinking about it today either, so i guess it counts. it's one of those things were it's trivial enough so i won't even mention it but it hurts enough for it to nag me all day long. you wanted her to go with us. so did i actually. but the fact that you said you wanted her to go so you could "have someone to talk to about it" really stung. i mean, i get what you mean and everything, but hearing that was kind of like a slap in the face. i'm sure you didn't mean it quite like that, but it sounded like you don't think i have value or worth.

which is what i have been feeling all along. it was almost like you were confirming all my doubts. i really wish i could say something and get the reassurance i'm desperately wanting, but i just can't. so i write it out here so that i feel it, cope with it, and move on.

thought of the day #23

you are proving me right. i kind of knew you had no time for me. i've known it for a while, and if you think i'm wrong, then why are you treating me like this? you really don't think i am worth pursuing and that's what hurts the most about all of this. you are telling me that my friendship meant something to you before, but now it doesn't. or at least not enough to make an effort to salvage it. you say you love me but how can you love me if this is the way you treat me?

thought of the day #22

sometimes, i just feel alone. like how today, all i wanted to do was talk with you. but things didn't turn out that way. why do i always feel like i'm a waste of time?

thought of the day #21

i'm still aching. but i'm holding on to the love that i have in my heart. yes, i am capable of loving past this. and i'm going to. i will not let losing you destroy me, as devastating as it is. i am going to get past this, and i am going to be happy. i have a heartbeat, i have hope, and i am capable of loving. just watch me.

thought of the day #20

well, telling you how i felt backfired. where was the release it was supposed to bring? now i just feel more sad. the world used to hold such hope, but you don't believe in magic anymore. maybe i should stop dreaming. maybe it is nonsense. maybe i'm not good at what i love doing, maybe i can never make it in the world, maybe i will always be hurt by someone with lovely eyes and a happy smile. maybe. maybe i was just made for a world of hurt.

and magic doesn't exist.

but i want to believe in beautiful things. in hope and in a God that loves me unconditionally. who loves when i screw up and when i am broken. who does not run in a different circle because He is my circle. can i ever get over this, though? i feel like this will hurt forever. but i want to believe that it won't. that i will move on. that i will dream again. but i don't think i'll ever replace you. it's just not possible. you can replace me, but you're irreplaceable.

thought of the day #19

i don't think i can take this much longer.

the feeling of isolation is so overwhelming.

thought of the day #18

i will always be here for you. and you will probably never know this. and even if you know, you won't take that into consideration, or need me at all. that's okay. i'll stay until you tell me to leave.