the hurt is still here.

let's go back in time,
can we, please pretty please?
back to when things were an atom bomb
of creation and chaos.
and moods were as volatile as chemical love.

when you turned to me
and said, "you're the best
thing that's ever happened to me."
we were the unstoppable
and the immovable.

a ragtag tagteam of
catastrophic proportions.
can you believe it?
it's been a year since we felt it,
the spark, the electricity
of knowing we didn't know.

there was so much to hope for,
so much left to want.
and it was okay to be incomplete,
it was okay to not be okay.
we didn't need to fix things,
nothing was broken.

now it's just me left,
half-oiled machinery.
i've always hated machines,
but that's what it feels like.
going through motions.
trying to feel it,
the creation, the chaos.
is gone like you,
did you take it with you?

and i know this is just
one more thing that i need to
let go of. and let slide.
one more thing that
shouldn't hurt still
after so long.
but i still miss it.

oh, the whirlwind of you,
incorruptible, immovable.
your empty space
haunts my eyelids
each night i fall asleep.

do you remember?

when you said you were so close to running away, and i convinced you that you should stay home. and you were crying on the telephone and i just didn't know what to do. you were so volatile that i thought you might hurt yourself. when you hated yourself and your life and things were just too hard for you. that's when i was there for you.

that was my part in your life. and i played it. and the run is over. and we're done with the show. and the curtain has closed. and i go on. and you go on.

thought of the day #71

i'm just going to let this go, let this slide.

it's useless to be hurt by something so trivial.

thought of the day #70

i am disposable.

and i just miss you so much.

thought of the day #69

okay, well that was fun. sarcasm.

talk to you again in another month? not.

thought of the day #68

your life is so much better without me. you're a much happier person and your parents are happy with you and who you're around and with. i'm so happy for you. i really am. honest. i'm letting you go, i promise. but tonight, i think i have the right to cry. because i just realized that my absence caused you joy. my absence was all that you needed. and that hurts. i miss everything that we could have been, everything that we can never be. and i don't want to cry. but it's what i need. maybe it will help. it was always something you enjoyed.

thought of the day #67

why go where i'm not wanted?

why do i waste my time missing you?

you don't feel the same.

thought of the day #66

i still ache sometimes. briefly.

like headaches the feeling comes and goes.

thought of the day #65

the world can't always be about me. there is so much more out there that i am completely disregarding because of my obsession with self. forget self, kate. you are weak and incomplete and helpless and selfish and hurting. get over it. your soul is only a little bit damaged (it could be worse) and God has got it under control. He has a plan. so get outside your self. self is not important right now. others. that is important. that's what matters. God and human beings. hold onto that, kate, when everything feels hopeless.

"the messenger is not as important as the message." -frank iero.

thought of the day #64

so won't You come a little closer now, come a little a closer, 'cause i can't handle it, handle You, handle You being so far.

honesty.

here's the deal.

you said the reason we can't be friends anymore is because you changed. you "got a dose of reality" and "grew up." and basically in a way told me that i'm childish and my big dreams are nonsensical and can get me nowhere. because you know what's real? high school, marriage, and careers are. that's what you said. well, i finished high school and i faced my own reality. i had to grow up and it was hard but i had you to keep me lighthearted and hopeful. you and my incredible friends. i had ambition. i had potential. i saw all things as possible. that's how i was and it's how i am still for the most part. and because of you i've learned about trust and the loss of trust. i've learned about change and how it's good and it's hard and it's painful. i've learned about healing.

but you know what? there was absolutely no reason we couldn't still be friends. you've changed, yes. you've grown out of me. but if you were a true friend to me, you would have stuck through it all. we were besties. that means forever. i don't know if you know what forever means, but i do. until the day your heart stops beating. and people are hard to cope with. i know i am. but you were too and i would've fought for you tooth and nail if i had to. if you had wanted me to. but you don't. you don't want me anymore. because you're mature. and you've seen reality. and you've grown up. me going to college is no reason for us to not be friends anymore. and yes, i'm always going to be who i am.

i'm sorry i can't change that to fit your reality.

thought of the day #63

you texted me. for the first time in i don't know how long.

my heart skipped beats. i feel like crying.

thought of the day #62

forgiveness is the hugest part of my life right now.

thought of the day #61

i hate this feeling. i feel judged and hated. i feel like i will never trust someone to be best friends like that again.

you have ruined me.

thought of the day #60

i finished our story.

now i have no one to share it with.

thought of the day #59

"i'll be around,"

does not mean you'll like it.

thought of the day #58

i can't take this anymore. i need you to be my best friend.

you.

will never know how much you have hurt me.

thought of the day #57

you reassured me today that i mattered.

that i made an impact in your life.

but somehow i feel utterly useless.

and i miss everything we had.

thought of the day #56

one more day and i will probably never see you again.

part of me thinks you'll be happier that way.

thought of the day #55

each time i talk to you, i want to talk to you for ages and learn everything you feel and love and think. each time i hug you, i wish you'd pull me closer and i could revel in the feeling forever.

yeah. i wish.

(101st post).

thought of the day #54

let this time when everything hurts pass. please.

why.

why do i screw everything up?

why am i always the killjoy?

why am i the back up plan?

why can't i be important?

why can't you touch my face?

why can't you laugh at my jokes?

why is it my lot in life to lose people?

why do i push everyone i care about away?

why can't i ever be quiet?

why am i like this?

why am i crying?

why can't i just let things go?

why can't i just trust God?

why does this hurt so badly?

thought of the day #53

i feel invisible.

thought of the day #52

will someone always be more important than me?

letters to blind eyes #3

dear x, i still can't think of some things without aching over you.

dear x, you're only there for me when you can find the time.

dear x, being close to you is like trying to hug a hurricane.

dear x, i really hope i get to be near you forever.

thought of the day #51

i'm very glad i chose his ending.

because i'm going to publish it someday.

thought of the day #50

i can't figure out if you knew you were destroying me when you did. because i'm fairly certain that you knew my worst fear was losing people. and then you left. it was best for you, i know, but you hardly considered how much it would hurt me.

when exactly did you stop caring?

thought of the day #49

i love when i'm honest and things turn out good.

thought of the day #48

when you're with her, she's your best friend.

when we're alone, i'm your best friend.

when we're out, i'm just your friend.

thought of the day #47

you're a thousand miles away. it's fitting that now you really are as far away as you feel.

thought of the day #46

if i texted you now, you wouldn't reply.

i'm almost 90% positive on this.

thought of the day #45

that's not exactly what i needed today. but okay.

i'm trying to make sense.

of these severed ties and mismatched puzzle pieces. i'm trying to figure out what i did wrong. going back through every year, month, day, hour. pinpointing my failures. the times i should have been there unconditionally. god, i'm such a wreck. if i had known what i do now, would i have let you down then? i was human, e, and you knew that. we both were. we both are.

thought of the day #44

hahahahahahahaha wow.

thought of the day #43

i'm trying so bloody hard, but it feels like letting you go is impossible. i have to say goodbye to you in my heart every day. every day is a new goodbye. and it breaks me every time.

thought of the day #42

i know superficial things like this don't matter,

but i still feel pathetic for going to prom alone.

thought of the day #41

so this isn't ideal.

thought of the day #40

there is so much more to this world than self-pity. there is a vast expanse of sky. there are rainstorms and laughter. there are mountains and snowfalls and first kisses and first loves. there are best friends that come and go, best friends that touch our souls. there are moments of breathless elation. shivers. infinity and skylines that look like christmas trees. there is a God so huge that i can't even begin to fathom Him but i want to. i want to know Him above all else. i want to put him before every raindrop, laugh, kiss, best friend, shiver, or skyline. i want my everything to be built in Him.

my salvation lies in His love.

thought of the day #39

i misread your feelings. and i keep making the wrong decision instead of just leaving you the heck alone like you want. okay. from here on out, i will not hold on to this. i will hold onto the hope of Heaven and i won't try to fix myself. i won't try to fix things with you either. things will fall into place. they may not be the places i want, but they will be right. and whole. and complete.

but not by my strength, by Yours.

i'm really considering

making a bad decision and texting you tonight. i know it's a bad decision because it will not end well. either you won't reply at all, or you'll be all detached and passive and i'll say goodbye feeling even more empty than before. but there's this hope inside my soul that you miss me at least a fraction of how much i miss you. i know it's not true, but i can't help feeling it. i have this displaced hope that you might reply with a "hello davey. it's been a while. i miss you. we should talk." and i can call you and we can finally understand each other again. i don't like living life without you even if i'm very happy for you. i know you don't need me. that's why texting you tonight would be a very very bad idea. but i'm still considering it.

i'm not very smart.

thought of the day #38

honestly, i just miss you. i miss the random question game. and saying what we like and what we don't like. i miss being able to just say "hi, i love you." to you. sometimes that's all i want to do now. and i know it won't make me happy and it sure won't make you happy, but i just feel like it'll kill me if i don't. which it doesn't. but sometimes it just gets unbearable. missing you.

thought of the day #37

today is just one of those days where i'm super insensitive and rude. and it's really frustrating cause i just feel so bad afterwards. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i am sad and i feel like crying.

thought of the day #36

not by my strength, by Yours.

thought of the day #35

why exactly am i making myself miserable?

i was there in her life for a purpose. God knows what He's doing.

thought of the day #34

the world is not ending because i lost one friend. i can live past this and keep on loving. i will not let this make me calloused. i have a heartbeat, and i am alive. this should be considered a miracle. and i'm going to live like it is one.

i remember.

stargazing on a beach. dreaming until the future no longer scared me. the sky was the limit. crying because you cried. late talks and early sunsets that we never managed to see. i remember art bleeding into our day to day lives. i'd take breaks from school for hours because i had to write. i just had to or i'd explode. i remember phone calls. kisses to the cheek and simple things like that. notes left to remind me that i matter. i never managed to adequately show you how i felt in return. i'm just so bad with words, you see. i remember photographs and where they were taken. the surroundings in them clear and vivid. silly jokes. hugs. guacamole. creating. texting for hours. sharing everything. i remember when things were so different. i remember walking and talking and laughing and crying and loving. i remember your back as you walked away. and telling myself over and over again "i will forget you." and never forgetting, not even for a second.

thought of the day #33

i'm hurting. i'm still hurting.

thought of the day #32

you lied to me. you said you weren't a long distance phone call. you said you'd always be there waiting. you lied to me, and that makes it so hard to forgive you. so hard to let go.

the current me.

i am happy and i am sad. my heart is heavy and light. losing you was the hardest thing i've ever had to do. it's so hard that i can't even cry. whenever i think about it, it's just...emptiness. until i don't even have words to say. and i can't handle the strain of everything else on top of this. i am happy with the friends i have. i'm so glad i have such amazing people to hold me up when i feel so scared and sad and hurt. but i can't even put into words how painful it is just to think about you. i don't want to see your face or hear your words. it hurts. but the good news is, i'm going to get over this. i will hold onto the people i have, the people who stuck with me when you couldn't. and i will let this go. i will be a better person for it.

thank you for destroying me. now God can rebuild me.

this is the current me. i am in repair.

thought of the day #31

i'm okay. i'm functioning.

it's kind of insane.

and this makes me so happy.

thought of the day #30

you didn't care about hurting me at all.

but i'm glad you're happy now without me. really i am.

thought of the day #29

i will not judge you for what you have done to me.

all i can really do now is get over you.

just like that.

it's over.

everything we had.

everything we gave each other.

all those things we shared.

all the love we promised.

every tear,

every laugh,

every redbull cola,

every stupid joke.

every frank iero laugh,

everything everything everything.

it's all over.

thought of the day #28

i cannot believe you said that to me.

i can't even put into words how empty i feel.

thought of the day #27

way to go, punk.

thought of the day #26

this is what i wanted, what i never thought i would get. but not like this. i don't want to step on anyone's toes. i don't want to hurt anyone i don't have to. so how do i go about handling this? it's so delicate and fragile. at least to me it is. it makes me nervous how easily i could screw up and lose everyone. no, not nervous.

terrified. i'm absolutely terrified.

God is good.

and i love Him more than words could ever express.

thought of the day #25

i'm neither happy or sad. both concrete emotions giving way to the ever present sense of apathy. and i'm asking myself, where are we going from here? but i have no answers. i don't know where God wants me. i want to leave and i want to stay. i want new friends and i want to keep the old ones. i want release and i want closeness. and i know God is close but i just can't hear Him. i need some sort of reassurance that i'm doing the right thing. i'm restless and apathetic and i'm still trying to make sense of this. i want to make a difference. i want to see change. i want to be a part of something so huge and breathtaking i can hardly stand it.

right now, i don't know where i'm at.

thought of the day #24

this is sort of a past thought, i thought it yesterday really. but i can't really stop thinking about it today either, so i guess it counts. it's one of those things were it's trivial enough so i won't even mention it but it hurts enough for it to nag me all day long. you wanted her to go with us. so did i actually. but the fact that you said you wanted her to go so you could "have someone to talk to about it" really stung. i mean, i get what you mean and everything, but hearing that was kind of like a slap in the face. i'm sure you didn't mean it quite like that, but it sounded like you don't think i have value or worth.

which is what i have been feeling all along. it was almost like you were confirming all my doubts. i really wish i could say something and get the reassurance i'm desperately wanting, but i just can't. so i write it out here so that i feel it, cope with it, and move on.

thought of the day #23

you are proving me right. i kind of knew you had no time for me. i've known it for a while, and if you think i'm wrong, then why are you treating me like this? you really don't think i am worth pursuing and that's what hurts the most about all of this. you are telling me that my friendship meant something to you before, but now it doesn't. or at least not enough to make an effort to salvage it. you say you love me but how can you love me if this is the way you treat me?

thought of the day #22

sometimes, i just feel alone. like how today, all i wanted to do was talk with you. but things didn't turn out that way. why do i always feel like i'm a waste of time?

thought of the day #21

i'm still aching. but i'm holding on to the love that i have in my heart. yes, i am capable of loving past this. and i'm going to. i will not let losing you destroy me, as devastating as it is. i am going to get past this, and i am going to be happy. i have a heartbeat, i have hope, and i am capable of loving. just watch me.

thought of the day #20

well, telling you how i felt backfired. where was the release it was supposed to bring? now i just feel more sad. the world used to hold such hope, but you don't believe in magic anymore. maybe i should stop dreaming. maybe it is nonsense. maybe i'm not good at what i love doing, maybe i can never make it in the world, maybe i will always be hurt by someone with lovely eyes and a happy smile. maybe. maybe i was just made for a world of hurt.

and magic doesn't exist.

but i want to believe in beautiful things. in hope and in a God that loves me unconditionally. who loves when i screw up and when i am broken. who does not run in a different circle because He is my circle. can i ever get over this, though? i feel like this will hurt forever. but i want to believe that it won't. that i will move on. that i will dream again. but i don't think i'll ever replace you. it's just not possible. you can replace me, but you're irreplaceable.

thought of the day #19

i don't think i can take this much longer.

the feeling of isolation is so overwhelming.

thought of the day #18

i will always be here for you. and you will probably never know this. and even if you know, you won't take that into consideration, or need me at all. that's okay. i'll stay until you tell me to leave.

thought of the day #17

thinking of you is like picking a scab. it will never heal. and even when it does, after so much pain...it will leave a scar. i am going to be scarred forever because i cannot stop missing you.

thought of the day #16

today i feel like i'm okay. i don't really know why, because yesterday was really hard. i was so close to a breakdown it was ridiculous. but somehow i held on. and today i feel like i'm steady. and that can only be God. it's not in my strength to give me this kind of happiness. of course, there are these lingering doubts in my head about who i am to you. but i am choosing to trust that you know what you're doing. and that i will always be your best friend. and i'm trusting to God that He will comfort me, even in the darkness. and in the light, i will thank Him and praise Him. today, i am in recovery.

(:

thought of the day #15

i am getting very close to telling you just how i feel. to let you in on this huge, empty secret that's been bruising my heart. part of me knows it is very essential that i do this. the other part of me knows that it probably won't change anything. not a thing. and that is hard for me to grasp. it makes me wonder why we have emotions at all. why hurt exists. why someone always has to be ignored, and why someone always has to be honest. why do we feel? feeling is very hard. and i get caught up in it so much. i have probably over-exaggerated everything that's happened up until this point, but it's how i feel.

and even if nothing changes at all, i need you to know this.

she has no time.

she says she has no time, for you now.

she says she has no time, for you now.

-keane.

thought of the day #14

(50th post).

hello, my name is kate. i go by frankie.

and i repel people like backwards magnets.

thought of the day #13

i never thought this could happen, losing you.

i guess it's official.

i write.

when i'm happy. i write when i'm sad. i write when i am shattering. i write until i can't feel my fingers. i write until i remember who i am. i write hopeless satirical commentaries based upon my own self-loathing. i write love poems to someone i have yet to meet. i write of hope, and marvelous things. i write with an unconditional love for words that sound desperate. i write without purpose. i write with no end game. i write without style. i write with bad grammar. i write to feel alive. i write because i can't sleep. i write to feel important. i write to bury myself away. i write to hide. i write to expose myself. i write beautiful lies with hidden truths. i write genuinely and sincerely. i write because i need to. i write to release. i write when i'm hurting so badly i don't want to feel anymore. i write and i feel everything. i write and part of the world makes sense.

i write. i write because God gave me this mind. i write. it is my way of loving Him.

well.

i want to know if i matter at all.

in the scope of things.

i absolutely love

feeling like a waste of your time.

sarcasm,

sarcasm,

sarcasm.

today.

i am going to go insane.

thought of the day #12

why won't this leave me alone? nothing ever changes, i just go in cycles. where are you in this God? i want to stop hurting over these things, once and for all. i'm close to yelling at sky, screaming curses at you. i want to know why i can't let it go, when i'm trying so hard to. i choose time and time again to leave this before you, but when i walk away the burden is back again. how do i cope with this, when i feel so terribly alone?

i know i should have hope.

and i know my hope is in you.

but how do i grasp that again?

thought of the day #11

this hurts. ow.

thought of the day #10

i'm not okay.

but i'm whole again.

thought of the day #9

i'm trying.

that's all i can do.

thought of the day #8

oh. uhm.

yeah.

we might as well be strangers.

we might as well,

we might as well.

for all i know of you now.