honestly,

i just want someone to hug my guts out.

i feel disconnected from everyone and everything.

shock.

it made my stomach drop out. and i just sat there in the icy chill of realization, suddenly still and calm. you say you betrayed me, you failed me. i start to feel sick. your words don't distort like they do in all the stories i've written. they aren't blurred out or hazy, they're vividly clear. i want to throw up. i want to cry but i don't. i say it's okay, because it is. clear and calm. i don't start crying until you do.

heavy.

that's the only thing that i can think of to label how i feel. i feel heavy. i feel like i have weights in my insides dragging me downward. the gravity of it is astounding. i feel heavy. i feel sick and i feel heavy. i feel at odds with everyone and everything. nothing feels certain except this constant, constant lethargy. i'm tired. i can't even think straight. i feel tired, i feel sick, and i feel heavy. what do i do with this? where do i go? i am just a broken-record girl. spitting out the same things over and over and who wants to listen to that, honestly, who will care? i am redundant. over and over and over i repeat myself. i feel redundant, i feel tired, i feel sick, and i feel heavy. an endless process, cyclical thoughts.

misery loves company.

i've never quite understood that phrase. or maybe i have understood it before but my sleep-deprived brain can't quite wrap my head around it right now. but for some reason, that's all that's running through my head. burning eyes, blurred vision, a thousand tendons in my fingers screaming, straining as i type. misery loves company. what does that even mean. why do i have to feel all these things? irrational, dysfunctional things like "i want to be beautiful too, i will never be beautiful like her." violent, stomach-turning emotions. the feel of constant inadequacy, never ever quite measuring up. the standard has been set and i can't live up to it.

unity.

this is a blog about unity. and how i wish i knew what it looked like anymore. i used to think i knew what it was, to be a part of a community. to be a small functioning member of something bigger than myself. now i don't even know where i fit in. i feel like an outsider looking in on something that i used to have. like that scene in catch me if you can when leo's character goes to the window of his mom's house and sees this life that used to be his...but it's gone now. a remnant of a time gone by, and god, i just feel so lonely.

brain exhaustion.

i'm tired of never being quite good enough. i'm tired of wanting what i can't ever have. i'm tired of numbness and i'm tired of feeling and i'm tired of tiredness.

more things.

i am spectacular at titles, as you can tell.

anyway, i just realized i hardly ever post on here unless i'm in a violent mood swing or sobbing my eyes out. so i'm going to try and write a post while i'm happy. it's a novel idea, right? so, here's me right now. no writing project besides fan fiction is even on my radar. i had been writing a story but my inspiration has vanished with the person it was inspired by. sorry, that wasn't very cheerful (and it was also very cryptic, unless you know me intimately, then it wasn't very cryptic at all). i'm seriously doubting my skills as a fiction writer. i've come to terms with the fact that i am incapable of writing a full-length novel. that's just...too much. i'd resigned myself to short stories, which i adore, but stuck in this rut of project-less misery, i'm reconsidering my capability of that either. basically, what i'm saying is that i cannot sustain a career as a professional writer. most novel-writers can't even do that. so, where do we go from here?

the answer is: i'm not quite sure. i'm still continuing as an english major, but i've been seriously considering media journalism. i want to do something involved with film as that has slowly become my passion in life. i don't care if i act or PA or interview actors i just want to be around film-related things. that's all. i don't know where my life is going and i'm scared i'm running out of time to make all of this work out. this has been an update.

some things.

i am a ink-and-paper friend.

i am a cardboard cut-out friend.

i am a paper-doll friend.

you don't actually want to see me or my stupid face or deal with my stupid, inconsistent, unintelligent words. so instead i hide behind the internet and text and things that make me eloquent and you go and see and talk to people who are pretty and laugh a lot and are shiny and magnetic and i'm just tired of feeling okay?

texting ridiculousness.

things i say when i talk to elly ives on a coffee/sugar high:

"so, fun fact, i did one of those things on facebook where the people on your sidebar are different things. it was harry potter themed. you were the dark lord. SORRY ELLY BUT I THINK OUR RELATIONSHIP IS MUTUALLY DESTRUCTIVE AND I MIGHT HAVE TO KILL YOU."

"i am an enigma. a body loosely wrapped around a never-ending nervous system of feelings. a figment of the world's imagination."

feeling blue.

this is a recent development. i think it's due to boredom for the most part. and the fact that things have been changing a lot recently. something i finally thought i could trust to be concrete has crumbled. and you know, i should've seen it coming. i did see it coming, actually. i was just too young and too stupid to stop myself from getting attached. attachment is the worst. attachment breeds affection and affection disillusioned me. i thought that maybe i could mean the same to someone that they meant to me. i was very, very wrong. the thing about attachment is that there is always an inevitable detachment. and now i just feel detached from everything. attached, everything felt raw, charged, alive. detached, everything becomes just ever so slightly muted. and i feel blue. because i have nothing to do and i miss attachment and i miss feeling alive and i miss all the people i've had to lose in my life, even if they're close enough to touch. i'm mad at myself for moping and desperate to move on, but tonight i'm feeling blue.

creating.

it's almost sad that i'm researching right now for a writing project more than i ever have. guess what that writing project is? fan fiction. i am pathetic.

image.

i have a very serious problem with self-image. it's getting worse.

useless.

again i'm struck with the reality of my childishness. naivety. insufficiency. inadequacy. it feels like these things will follow me for the rest of my life. i can never be the person i want to be. i am not enough. i'm useless. i serve no purpose on this planet except writing aimlessly, mindlessly, and pining after things i can never have. being myself isn't nearly good enough. i have such high standards for myself--expectations i can't quite meet.

shatterkid part two.

seeing as i am an emotional trainwreck at the moment, i probably shouldn't be writing this. but boundaries be damned, this is my blog. at the moment i'm not crying, which is actually surprising to me. today i cried in a starbucks. today i cried driving on imperial highway. i'm glad i'm not crying now because i feel like i could vomit. too much information? too bad. just got told to my face that i am doing everything wrong in a relationship and if i don't fix it, i will lose her. the inevitability of it all is driving me insane right now. i feel so unfairly judged and unjustly dealt with. i'm not used to being shoved into my own faults so carelessly by someone who promises that she loves me so much. if you really loved me so much you would handle me with care because i'm not invincible. i can and will break. i feel abused right now. even though i know she's right about how i'm acting. i haven't opened up to her. i haven't talked to her enough. i haven't been myself around her. she was honest with me, brutally so, and i appreciate it. but it still hurts and i still feel sick. and right now i don't want to talk to her anymore, because i feel a little bit like i'm shattering. so what do i do now?

disjointed thoughts.

the reason i hide is that i am scared of who i am. who i am is inexcusable to me, it's unacceptable. i can't accept myself, how can anyone else? i write these thoughts like they're somehow important, but they're really not. so i construct a wall. a borderline. something i despise in others, well, i do it myself. i have no right to accuse others of masquerading, when i'm guilty of the same. the thing is, i have these standards for myself. half-composed with good intentions, half-composed with doubts, insecurity. i feel like i have to live up to these standards or no one will love me. i cannot be flawed, i cannot be incomplete. i must be whole. that's why i don't tell anyone about this blog. this is the last thing i have to hide behind. yes, i am hiding. because if anyone saw the real me, i'm half-convinced they'd run screaming.

disappointed.

the title refers to my disappointment in myself rather than any disappointment with anyone else. the blame is almost entirely mine because i cannot manage the smallest of tasks. i am the middle-man, as always. caught between two conflicting promises and i can't handle stuff like this. disappointing people. i feel like i'm trying to climb a cliff and i keep slipping back down again. that analogy doesn't even work, but analogies be damned, it's how i feel. i feel like such a disappointment. feel like i always will be.

shatterkid.

holding in a breakdown makes me nauseous. and that's kind of what i'm doing right now, i think. i've learned to internalize. i used to break from the weight of the silliest things but it was short bursts, it was transitory pain. i've been trained by experience to shove things down inside myself until my skeleton shudders under the gravity of it all. until i can't take it. so right now i feel sick. it's been a while since i've actually cried over something that wasn't in a film (which, if you know me, you should be impressed because i used to cry almost every day of my life). but approximately five minutes ago, i was lying down trying to sleep and everything hit me. it's such a cliche phrase, but that's what it felt like. it felt like i had been physically punched in the stomach. and to be honest, if you asked me what was wrong, i probably couldn't tell you. it was everything and it was nothing. but now i'm holding it again, i'm in control again. all i want to do is let go and sob like a bloody maniac, but i won't. one of these days, holding it in won't be enough and i'll just break apart.

remainder.

the people i get attached to have a tendency to sever all ties and disappear from my life. sometimes i feel like i'm cursed. sometimes i'm grateful for the people who haven't subscribed to this trend.

displacement.

no, i am not okay with being replaced. with being told with actions, not words, that someone else is far more important than me. i am not okay with comparing myself constantly, trying to figure out why the hell she's better than me when i've been giving and giving and giving as much as i possibly can for so long. i changed everything i was to be a better person and i'm the one who ends up hurting. no, i am not okay with this. i am not okay with being brushed aside like yesterday's garbage. i am a human being with feelings. those feelings have been hurt. i am not okay with trusting someone and being completely wrecked because of it. no. i am not okay.

insomnia.

well, it's five thirty in the morning and i've got quotes from fight club running through my head. i could've kept shifting around in my bed, trying to get comfortable, trying to stop thinking about conflict, but it was getting unbearable. but instead of doing something productive like reading or writing or getting a goddamn cuppa tea and going back to bed, i went on facebook and went through all of your tagged photos. it sounds fantastically creepy when i say it outright like that, but it's what i did and i'm being honest about it. and it just made me more miserable. tomorrow, er, today, i have to confront a friend about how hurt i am sometimes by the way she treats me. and i started wondering if i had confronted you, would it have made an impact? would i still have had to lose you? i think the answer is yes to the latter. i think you needed to be rid of me, at least in your brain it made sense. i was a remnant of a childhood you'd rather forget and that's fine, that's fine. but i miss your smile and your hug attacks and how we spent half an hour at disneyland talking in british accents. it actually makes me physically ache, but only sometimes. i've gotten pretty good at compartmentalizing and then repressing that part of me. because it's ugly, the way that i miss you. it's not pretty and people have heard the same story over and over again and they're sick of it. how could they not be? i'm sick of it and it's my story. i know you don't ache over me and it's been over a year now since you last loved me entirely. and i'm not bitter that you moved on, no. you had a life to live, you've got so much life in you and i couldn't make you see it but other people could and that's fine too. i'm glad you know that now. i just miss you. you understood me on a completely different level and i understood you too, i think. you have something of mine, a piece of my soul, and i can't ever get it back.

defenseless.

this is what happens when i let my guard down for even a second. i was so emotionally unprepared for all that has happened in just these two days. sometimes i don't even know who is on my side. and should i even have a side? this life isn't a game or a war, is it? i've been abandoned, i've been neglected, i've been hurt. if life were a game, it would be more fair. if life were a war, there would be a victor.

this is what it's like being defenseless. and i don't much care for it.

ventilation.

i tried to write a coherent and eloquent blog here about the inner workings of my heart. but then i just started crying and forgot how to write words. so i'm just going to say here that i love the people God has given me as my foundation. because everything feels so shaky now, so terribly, devastatingly uncertain. i feel like i'm losing my best friend, something that has happened to me about four times now. and i feel exhausted, like i can't take any more of it. her choices tell me that i am her back-up plan. i am her second-thought. even if it isn't true, actions speak louder than words.

also, mandy who is reading this, and chandler if you're lurking, you are very, very important to my life and tonight you both made my heart incredibly happy. i hope these thoughts aren't too infantile. forgive me, i am still growing.

words.

"you miss every shot you don't take."

inconsequential.

will i always be that friend? the one people call if they need me but never the one they actually want. a back-up plan, a substitute, a compromise. i just realized this is almost exactly like my last post, but i have the right to be redundant on my own blog. this is my last haven, my last hiding place. this is my raw stream of consciousness which is only read by one human being, who loves me despite my ridiculous emotions.

i am tired of being slighted for something better, something more exciting. i'm tired of being left behind. it's hard. it's hard and it sucks. maybe i'm just picking at scabs of old cuts i had. but i can't help it. i'm a human being and nobody likes being displaced.

everyone's pairing up, you see. regardless of relationship status: alex has jess, elly has marc, mandy has nahum, jamie has kasie, ellie has jake, but who do i have? who do i turn to? and i try not to think it's me. i try not to let myself think that, to buy into the lie that i've been faced with before--you are inadequate kaytie rose and you always will be, that's why you lose everyone you get close to. but it's getting hard not to let myself believe it. i'm exhausted, really.

and posting this does nothing. it doesn't change anything, doesn't help, doesn't stop me from aching, but i need to get it out. this is honest. this is raw and unbridled and ugly and i hate it, but i need to get it out of me.

unwanted.

there are times in my life when i feel like i'm pretty cool and that people enjoy having me around. and then there are times like tonight. i feel like an afterthought. a meanwhile. a just-for-now. it's irrational and probably untrue. and i know it will pass. but right now, as selfish and narcissistic as it is, right now i would really like to be a first-thought. a right now. a forever. i want to feel important.

parallel.

nothing like art imitating life.

confession.

_ ____ _ ____ ___. _ ___. and it terrifies me.

normal.

i'm pretty unique, pretty special. i don't think anyone really thinks like i do, all my imperfections and personality quirks. i am the sum of all my parts. sometimes, though, being so different is taxing, exhausting, lonely. sometimes, i just want to be normal.

feeling.

well, it's late. for me, anyway. i'm tired and the past two days have been very odd. i feel emotionally detached from everything so everything feels like it's shifted, like it's off, but really it's just me. i've shifted. i'm off. and i'm hoping this is temporary, and i'm feeling like it probably is. especially since right now, i'm feeling quite a bit. that's almost entirely because i've been writing for a half hour. writing helps me to feel things. and the emotions are real, even if the words are fabrications. but now it's getting to the point where i'm starting to hate all my writing and i'm feeling like a failure as an author...so it's time to call it quits for the night and get some sleep.

ache.

my head hurts really bad. that could be because it's two in the morning or it could be from the exhaustion i'm going into right now or maybe, possibly, it could be because i'm feeling far too much, so much that my head is splitting at the seams. that's what it feels like. splitting apart from the inside out, right behind my eyeballs.

because i feel something i don't want to feel, shouldn't feel, and i can't tell anyone, can't even speak a word or it will shatter this illusion that i've created around myself so that i don't have to face all of this. except my head is screaming face it, god please just face it i can't take this anymore. my heart is simply too overwhelmed to say anything at all besides possibly "help."

my stomach hurts and my eyes hurt and my body is responding negatively to this and i can't help hating this feeling because it can't go anywhere. it is a dead-end emotion with no foundation and no fuel. it just bumps half-heartedly into the edge of my psyche, waiting for something to happen that never will. and these are all words stringed together without care or concern and they mean nothing. they mean nothing at all.

absence.

i feel your absence profoundly today. it's in the drive down my hill in the sunshine and the empty silences i fill with movie dialogue. i remember laughing, i remember my bare feet hitting wet asphalt. i remember your kiss pressed to my forehead as i fall asleep and you lie awake. notes on your chalkboard. reading in the aisles of the book store. holding you close as you cry your eyes out.

i hold onto these things, because they make me happy. to remember us in our glory days. this is all that i have left of you, this and a promise to always be there. but i feel your absence. i feel your absence and it breaks me.

minutia.

it's the small things that get to me. the things everyone forgets about but i just can't. they sink in, take root, little things, simple things like tattoos and words you didn't think about before you spoke them. and they hurt, these little things. tiny pinpricks that leave enormous scars. they tear at me. mocking, taunting me. because everyone has someone, everyone has someone but me. i thought i had someone, but now i think that i sort of really don't.

youth.

there's nothing like being eighteen and getting home at one thirty in the morning with tear-streaks.

loneliness.

it's inescapable. i feel as though no one can hear me, no one can see me, and no one even cares. i am insignificant. which is irrational for many reasons, most importantly because i know there are people around me who love me and are for me. but right now, it's hard to tap into that. it's hard to feel it and i don't know why. i feel alone.

torn.

i feel like the minute i go to a brand new school, i'll lose everyone i care about. i know it's an irrational fear, but it's all i can think about. i don't want to become just a good but faint memory.

upset.

i don't like being compared to other people. i do it enough to myself as it is, and so when people do it to me, it's like touching a raw nerve. yeah. it hurts. i am not like anyone else, and i cannot be. i have faced this fact. i don't particularly like this fact. i'm not a huge fan of me all the time.

so i'm sorry i'm not someone else, i'm sorry i don't give you the attention you feel you deserve. but to be honest, you broke my heart. i know that sounds petty but i put in the effort and you left me in the dust. so i'm sorry for being a little wary of where i leave my heart. and yes, i probably don't talk to you as much as you feel i should. but i will always be there for you. i am a constant. i stay with the people i care about. a lot of people would kill for a friend like that.

but i'm just rambling now. all i really wanted to say is that i'm sick of being the bad guy.

tick tick boom.

i'm not sure how to even put into words quite what i'm feeling. i don't know how long i can contain it all inside this tiny little body of mine. i am a time-bomb.

certainty.

everything feels uncertain. like taking the first few steps after your feet have been asleep.

but i'm writing again and there's so much passion in it that it actually scares me. i wonder where it all comes from. it's not a story about me at all. suicidal boy who falls in love with and gets addicted to the memory of his dead best friend while simultaneously finding the girl who could change everything for him. these are not things i am experienced in, i promise you. but it's all so raw, so charged with emotions i've only scratched the surface of in real life. desperation and the need to feel when everything becomes numb, diluted. i don't feel all of these things on a regular basis, but there is a vein of raw human emotion in my writing that awes me. so, i'm writing again. there's something certain, i guess.

nerves.

I WANT TO GO TO FILM SCHOOL. SO MUCH. and i don't even know why. it just...makes sense. it just clicks. fits. i don't know why i want this so badly. maybe it'll pass. maybe it's a phase. all i know is that i sort of feel sick thinking about all of this. fear and uncertainty and nerves and excitement all mixed up together.

disjointed.

okay. so i have options. i can stay here at concordia where i have been miserable so far. i can stay at concordia but live at home. i can transfer to biola or azusa pacific. i could look into another school to transfer into. i could go to fullerton college for a semester or two. i could go to art school. i could go to film school.

but everything's so uncertain. who says i can get into art school or film school? i mean, i'm not that talented and there's probably not a very lucrative career for me in either one. although, to be fair, there's not really a lucrative career in what i'm studying to be now, but that's beside the point. but everything is so...shaky. unsure. this decision is weighing me down until it's hard to function because i feel like i'm on the verge of a panic attack or something.

this month. this month, i have to decide everything. and i hate it.

overwhelmed.

it's strange when feelings you were so sure of just leave. it's strange when people you were so sure of start to falter. because these feelings are leaving. these people are faltering. and i'm left here wondering where i fit into this universe. what do i do with these dreams that can't go anywhere? what do i do with these fears that keep me hesitating? it's hard to have hope when the world seems so hostile. it's hard to believe that God can still work miracles in hearts that have been so hardened. can God stop a train from crashing?

and now it's strange to look at him and realize that he's not the one i really want anyway. i wanted attention, i wanted to feel like i mattered to someone. so what if i don't matter to him the way i wanted to? i matter to someone far greater than he. but now what? my life had become curled around the idea that i liked this boy, but now that's fading and i'm left with the overwhelming question of "what now?" do i focus on school which i hate? do i try to keep writing stories no one will read? what now.

disillusioned.

i feel like that part in little miss sunshine when dwayne talks about beauty contests is so relevant to my life right now. "you know what? fuck beauty contests." i am so disillusioned with trying to be beautiful.you know what? i wear the same four shirts over and over again and i always wear the same shoes and i have messy hair that never looks right and i have small eyes and i don't know how to put on make up and i have bad skin and i eat like crap and don't exercise enough and when i laugh it's loud and annoying and when i smile my gums show too much.

but i'm sick of comparing myself. life shouldn't have to be a beauty contest. whatever happened to the things that actually matter? art and beauty and loving your fellow human beings. screw beauty contests, i'm sick of trying.

a few things.

i'm tired of this. i'm tired of constantly feeling like an after-thought. i really just want to feel important. i really just want to feel like i'm not going it alone. i'm tired of this weight always hanging heavy in my heart when i know i'm not the one chosen. i'm like the last one picked for games in elementary school. i'm always the last one picked.

unhappy.

maybe the reason i'm so unenthusiastic about our relationship is because the last time i got attached to you, you severed all ties and left me in the dust. so i apologize for not throwing myself back into that again. i'm sorry i've been hurt one too many times to trust people that easily. what more do you want me to do? i give all that i can to you. i try so hard and the reason i give up is because you always have someone more, someone better, someone more important and i'm tired of trying to measure up.

on top of that, i've seen what you can do. i know you're trying to change, but girl, you bring destruction with you wherever you go. i can't be destroyed again. i've seen what you can do, you're constantly hurting and scarring someone that i love very much. someone who has always been there for you, and has pursued you, and has been there for you, and has wanted to be close. i've seen what you can do and i hate it. so i'm sorry i can't live up to your standards. i'm sorry i have trust issues too.

untitled.

what is my life even about? god, it's like every time i feel like i have something going for me, it's gone. will i ever belong again? will i ever be someone's whole world? and i know it's wrong to want that but i just need to know for a brief moment that i am important. that i matter. that no one's going to replace me. because i'm always replaced. always. consistently. sometimes i just don't want to try anymore. i'm so exhausted. i feel lost. i feel dissociated and unappreciated and shattered and i have nothing left to give.

unaccomplished.

i have nothing under my belt. i feel like i'm somehow missing out on life because i'm not out there doing things. making adventures. starting new things, making new friends. but what can i do when i'm afraid of everything?

uncomfortable.

my own skin feels false again, like i don't even know who i am. i'm only home for a few hours at best it seems and i'm wasting it just doing nothing at all. and you don't call me. and you don't talk anymore. and all your time is her time. it's like i don't exist.

unabridged.

this is the complete, honest, and unabridged truth.

i lie to myself and to the people around me about how much i really like him. how much i just like to look at him sometimes, like the way he moves is an artform. how much i like the way his eyes scrunch up when he smiles and the dimple on his cheek. sometimes, i just want to touch his hair or his face or hold his hand or hug him. it's awkward and i hate it and i suppress it and say that i'm fine but i'm not fine. i will be sitting in a restaurant across from him and all i want to do is kiss him. to reach across the empty expanse of the table and kiss him.

i know that he doesn't feel the same way that i do. i know he likes her, not me. i know he has flaws and imperfections and needs to grow up and i know next to nothing about him, but i honestly can't help the way i feel. and it's starting to overwhelm me to the point where i don't know if i can keep it contained any more. and this is the whole truth of the matter.

disconnected.

sometimes, i start to feel like i belong somewhere. i feel the overwhelming sensation of being a part of something that's bigger than myself. i feel whole. i feel alive. and then, for one reason or another, i experience agonizing defeat. i fight it, but i always end up in the same place.

i'm left staring at a face in the mirror that i don't even like. i'm left wondering what on earth she has that i haven't. wondering why i get the short end of the stick. why do i get nothing and she gets everything when i give you everything. i give you everything. i try to give and not expect anything, but i'm only human. i can only give so much before i breakdown. and i try time again to refill, but i don't even know what God's love looks like anymore.

i feel disconnected more now than any other time in my life. it's like i'm watching a movie play out and i want so much to be a part of it, but i'm just not. i am outside myself and yet i feel everything so poignantly. and i want to know God's love. i need to know God's love before i go insane. this world is harsh and cruel and will tear me apart. i can already feel it. this world wants to destroy me and i'm too weak to do anything about it.

God's strength. God's story. God's love. i know it's the answer but i don't know where to find it. knock and the door will be opened. seek and you will find. well here i am, God. seeking. knocking. here i am, i'm yours.

displeased.

tumblr was my last haven, you know. it was a place where i could entirely be me. where the world revolves around people with no life, indie kids, fashion, gifs, my chemical romance, cats, harry potter, and doctor who. it was my world. i was in my element. and then this new mindset began, like an infection...spreading quickly through the tumblr ranks. i need more followers. must whore myself shamelessly. and just like that, the neo-myspace era begins.

i feel as though something has been taken from me, although it is only a website. and now almost everyone i know can see it. it is no longer a place for me to be honest about how i'm feeling, it's just another place that i have to hide. and because of that, i am displeased.

displaced.

i constantly feel inadequate. and i mean constantly. as a friend, as a daughter, as a leader, and as a human being. i'm not smart enough, pretty enough, or good enough for anyone or anything. i know that's not what God has for me, but i just can't help it.